Bad Day At Dad's House
Dear Old Friend,
Whew!! What a day this has been!!!!
We've had a few of them around here, as you know, but even today took the cake. ( Even that last worldwide flood wasn't as bad!) Hence this letter. I feel the need to vent my spleen a little, know what I mean Vern?
Father's been a bit of a bear today. No... that's not right, really... He's ALWAYS been difficult, but TODAY he's been positively nuts.
As a matter of fact.... He's starting to piss me off a little... Mom aint no help. We kids STILL don't know for sure where SHE is or much about her at all for that matter.
It started pretty much a typical day here at the house.... We all got up and started scrounging for berries, Cheerios, or edible grass for breakfast. That aint new... We're used to this, right? So....in the middle of.... Well, you remember Eve? My older sister? Well she walks in right in the middle of my superb collection of blackberries during breakfast and has both this apple and this big ass snake coiling over her shoulders!!!! THEN she says this snake can talk!
Gotta love comedy!! Snakes can't talk. That's just a plain ole fact. Of course Father DID make a jackass smartass off at a dude, but that was just a prank.
So anyways, Eve tells us kids that this snake has just told her a few things about how to get smart, and that all we had to do is just take a little bite of this apple, and we would all get really smart! Nuts is what I'm thinking. But...The kids all took their bites, and I ran away in the woods and thought about how the Lakers were doing against Philly. 3 to 1 so far I heard.
After I got back home, I noticed all the kids had these....these...'things' around them. They called them 'britches'. They were even making up new names for this thing as we spoke!!! "Pants", "Blouses", "Fruit of the Looms"!! I was flabbergasted to say the least! These brothers and sisters were always pretty cute to look at, and NOW they were hiding all that. I didn't know what to make of this turn of events, but chose not to push it.
You know how Father has always been kinda aloof? Not really around? Yeah.... We have his "report" in that black binder sitting there. We never hear from him though. We never see him (outside of that crazy burning bush episode.....LOL! What a prankster!)
He tells us through his report what we should do... how to act, and even what damn animals we are allowed to eat, right? We have to try and apply his report to our lives every day as we search for our berries!
Well, he doesn't talk at all anymore, and actually has made matters MUCH worse for us kids. He took his Black Book and changed all the language in it!! He wrote something about his reason being a place called "Babel", but whatever the case, what we have now from Father is this book with a lot of language in it that's WAY old, and hard to interpret. It's been done by a couple of the kids from the Bright and Linguistic Class, but..... Obviously we cannot read what Father originally wrote without having one of these little coke-bottle-glasses-nerds interpreting for us. And quite frankly, I'm not sure I believe these guys....
There was a dude by the name of Hank in our town not too long ago that had some odd stuff happen to him.
This is why today was a Bad Day At Dad's House.
It seems that Father heard about Hank somehow.
And my younger sister Mary is pregnant for the first time.
I've asked Father what the hell is going on, but he, as usual, is silent. I asked him in the way he ordered.... On my knees and clutching my fists to my sweaty forehead. Of course I was talking to the ceiling light... but there was no one up there that burned brighter than 60 watts.
Mary tells me that her child is Father's, however. Father's!!!!!!???
Mary is obviously borderline psychotic, as she says that no man has ever touched her. This is patently stupid. I hurt for Mary. She is being used.
I'm sorry. This is pissing me off... We all were good kids. We weren't hurting anyone. We didn't deserve this.
What her husband must think of her!!
I need to continue later when I've gathered my thoughts.
One last thing.
Father DID leave a small note in his Black Book that he is expecting GREAT THINGS from Mary's child... He even told her what to name him....
He even confided that he (Father) was gonna kill this child when he was grown up. Just because he could.... But in the meantime he would show the child how to live like Hank.
Yours in Search of the Bottom Line,MikeM
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