"Itís Springtime"

    By Douglas Becker

 


    Armstrongist Minister Just After Coming Out Of Hibernation

And you know what that means: Armstrongist leaders come out of hibernation after a brief winter respite to grouch about stupid stuff that doesnít mean a thing to anyone but them ó itís embarrassing as they come loaded for bear to bare their grouchy opinions of whatís wrong with the world. It gets to be unbearable.

They quickly get their bearings and start bearing down on their prey:


    Armstrong Ministers Quickly Find Their Bearings

It isnít long that they are all grumpy about rabbits:


    Bunny With Eggs

    They canít bear the thought that people would ever think that bunnies would lay eggs ó and not just eggs in some cases, but chocolate eggs ó so they come out with The Plain Truth About Easter, baring their souls and insisting that Easter is pagan and that bunnies canít lay eggs. This is silly of course because no one really thinks that bunnies lay eggs (wink, wink). Itís all part of the fun of spring time and there are fun social customs associated with the spring equinox that have a long tradition of history. There are even Easter Egg Hunts on the White House Lawn. This drives the grumps of Armstrongism to despair. They just canít bear the thought that something was so, so, soÖ Pagan, could ever be part of any sort of Christian associated practice.

    Itís silly of course. No one really believes that bunnies lay eggs and in the scheme of things itís pretty harmless. Of much more concern is the fact that until Easter no one can wear white.

    This is a big time of year for the Armstrongists as they bang the drum to drum up business based on, well, itís so wrong! They are so obsessed about this that they have booklets decrying the practices of what they view to be deeply rooted in paganism.

    After this, they settle down a bit for awhile and have some pretty barren months until the long hot summer is over (winter south of the Equator) and fall sets in. Then they start in again with their rants about Holydays or Holidays, which is rather ironic because the only real holiday in the United States around that time is Labor Day, which, if you think about it is kind of a misnomer, since people donít generally work on that day and take it off: Youíd think thatís a day they would work, since itís Labor DayÖ get it? What they are aiming for is to expound the message of the Feast of Tabernacles to declare that an ancient Bronze Age observance of physical rituals by Israelites (who didnít actually keep it centuries at a time) some how pictures Christ reigning a thousand years with a rod of iron, which he is just going to hand over to them so they can abuse people, not realizing that no one can really keep the Feasts, since there is no temple, no altars, no Levite priests to offer animal heave offerings and no Sanhedrin to keep the whole thing together, not to mention which, the Jews themselves know their calendar for the schedule of keeping these things is wrong but they canít fix it because they havenít had a Sanhedrin for something going on 1,700 hundred years or more. One wonders how physical rituals given to a physical people who didnít have the Holy Spirit could actually be all that spiritual when practiced in the 21st centuries supposedly by Christians, albeit, Olde Testament Christian Pharisees. Of course, one of the things they donít mention up front as part of their sales package is the Day of Atonement, which, calling it a feast is sort of stretch, but given that United declared recently that old and infirm people can eat and drink on that Day because of health reasons, there may not be as much a tough sell on the matter.

    Things go on after the Feast without too much major maladjustment up until right around Thanksgiving, then they unleash again about all the pagan practices of Christmas and New Years. This is rather ironic, because behind the scenes, these people use the Winter Solstice holidays to have their happy time of their Winter Festival, which is sort of like the Feast, but not really and sort of like Christmas / New Years and more really. Of course, thereís some dissent by some objecting to the obvious cognitive dissonance of keeping worldly holidays in much the same way and in the same convention centers used by the great unwashed pagan Christians who do keep Christmas and Easter. It would be interesting to check for sure, but it is probably the case that the drinking patterns of the two are probably very similar, except the Armstrongists may have an edge.

    It is shortly after this point that the Armstrongists go into their dank caves to hibernate until itís spring again, only to start the cycle all over again.

    Of course, these particular creatures may have meetings. They donít always agree ó especially when they are of different social groups competing for the same resources:


    Armstrongist Ministers Disagree At Conference

    Something about baring their teeth, but I wonít go there.

    Of course, we can do a lot to fix this problem. Itís an environmental issue. First of all, there are too many of these creatures for a sustainable ecology. They war over turf. Thereís not only not enough to go around, but youíd be surprised how much litter they leave in their wake. The booklets and magazines donít always get recycled and itís a real problem for the environment. Thereís another problem: They produce toxic waste and much of their material is from recycled garbage. If it looks familiar, youíve seen it all before.

    Now some who are not familiar with this species may wonder about the issues presented here. Itís wild and crazy out there. Sometimes you have to know where to look. Often you need to be vigilant to be careful you donít broach their feeding grounds. If any need assistance, Google should be able to help. They should be avoided at all costs.


    Take away their tithes!

    There is only one way to be sure to control their numbers: Donít feed them. The best thing to do is starve them of tithes and they will move on to greener pasturesÖ so to speak:


 

     

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