You Were A Long Time Member Of The COG If You...
1. Had to wash other peoples ugly feet.
2. You were told you were too good looking and made to feel as though that was a sin.
3. You carried a lemon with you when your kids had to get shots to rub on the place the shots had been given.
4. You had to explain to a friend it was okay for his boys to listen to Cat Stevens who he thought was a homosexual, although the man owned every one of Johnny Mathis' records.
5. You had to quiet the fears of your children when they read 1975 in Prophecy because the pictures were so gruesome.
6. After attending church services for 17 years and never being asked to open with prayer you are asked to do so because you were spotted driving into the parking lot in your brand new Cadillac.
7. You were called down by the minister in spokemans club for mispronouncing Louisiana and you had grown up there.
8. Ministers checked your garbage cans and medicine chests.
9. You were told by a 21 year old graduate of Ambassador how to rear your children.
10. You held your son all weekend long praying he wouldn't die because you had been told not to take him to a doctor than 6 months later sat in a hospital with the same minister who had given you this advice while his wife was being operated on for cancer.
11. You felt obligated to ask the minister if it was okay to wear contact lens.
12. If after 21 years you finally quit attending and realize you have not one single friend in a town of 3 million.
You Were A Long Time Member Of The COG If You...
1. ...Were asked if you were going to attend AC and got strange looks when you replied "why would I want to attend a non-accredited college when I have no intention on being a minister?"
2. ...Were disfellowshipped from more that one COG organization, and wear that as a badge of honor!
3. ...Sit for hours listening to basically unlearned men (AC grads) tell you who the "king of the north" is going to be and giving their own ideas of future events and realize that these guys haven't got a thing right in 25 years!
4. ...Decided all on your own to ignore the ignorant advice to avoid the medical profession and you got shots for all of your children (who were born in a hospital), go to the dentist every 6 months for regular check-ups, etc., but you are advised by your closest friends not to tell anyone about it.
5. ...Are amused when you see that ministers go to the doctor when they need to but still tell the membership that they must not have enough faith if they go.
6. ...Seen some of your friends thrown out of church for seeking medical attention for serious conditions because "they have a lack of faith" when high ranking leaders have just had "repair surgery".
7. ...Have always wondered why God can't seem to set a bone in your leg but can cure cancer (and why one is considered repair surgery but the other isn't)??
8. ...Ever failed a spokesman's club speech because the evaluator deemed it "too technical" for the other members to understand.
9. ...Ever searched in vain for seats in a huge venue for a large family at the FOT only to be frustrated by little pieces of paper, other peoples bibles, or "reserved for ministers" signs in virtually every seat only to be picked up minutes before services started because their friends didn't show up!
10. ...Ever used the term "121" to describe the members of your congregation and then burst out laughing with your inner-circle of friends because they are in on the gag! (see purple hymnal for the definition of 121)
11. ...Ever play "the word" game while giving sermonettes just to make things exciting. Your friend gives you a ridiculous word like "astomatous" (animals having no mouth) and you MUST use it during your sermonette!! Usually gets huge burst of laughter from your inner-circle!!
12. ...Ever notice that after your sermonette where you used a ridiculous word that nobody noticed except for your friends, and everyone still tells you how great your sermonette was even though you didn't string two coherent sentences together on purpose.
13. ...Ever got a phone call from your minister to ask your wife to come over and clean his house and do the dishes because HIS wife was out of town.
14. ...Decided to serve the poor and elderly by volunteering to provide your expertise in engineering (to fix electrical/electronic/mechanical things) only to discover that you are being sent to ministers, elders, and deacons houses to fix their broken things....for free of course!
15. ...Ever serve as "festival advisor" only to find that nobody pays much attention to the rules of "feastgoing", which is why you could never get a room where you wanted too for all of those years!
More to come......
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