The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side"

 Patricia Ann Laessig (c) 1999-2005

 

Those who knew the late Herbert W. Armstrong (HWA) and are familiar with his Worldwide Church of God may recall Mr. Armstrong’s approach to his organization and all who he encountered.  Truly, HWA was sole spokesperson and “Apostle” having an exclusive direct line from God.  It is therefore in the truest sense of the word “appropriate” for him to continue to be the sole spokesperson in this satire.

 

Prolog

"Well, well, well!!! I'll be damned!! I'll pinch myself and see if I'm awake or sleeping. Hell, my fingers slip right through each other! I'm not asleep in my grave. I guess I am dead. But that means that I'm alive but my body isn't! Wow! How did I pull that one off! I must be in the first resurrection. How about that! I wonder where Jesus is. He's supposed to be giving me the low-down on teaching the masses. Or was I supposed to teach all the rest of the brethren that must have resurrected along with me. Where are they? Hey, Herman! Where are you? Yeah, Herman, hey! Are you here? Can you hear me? Last I heard of you there was a rumor you had AIDS. Was that so? How about you, Stanley? Or are you still in the flesh? Hey Gerald? You here? Naw, if you were here you'd be filling me in on all the gossip and my prophecies that failed for the last fifty years. Hey, this is cool man. Oh! Loma. You're lookin' great, baby. Looks like you've shed a few years. How'd you do that? You were pretty old and wrinkled last time I saw you. But then, I was pretty busy logging my activities with the young lady.....oh....I guess I never told you about that....and I don't see that it would be worth the trouble now. She grew up without a backward glance, so what's the big deal! Oh, never mind. It's nothing you need to know.

What's that? That bright light coming my way? Or who...I'll be damned! If it isn't Joe! Son of gun, Joe, how the hell are you? Welcome to my kingdom, you rotten son of a female. Passing the baton, you told the dumb sheep! You wouldn't even let my family in when I was laying on my deathbed, and then you told everybody I turned the Church over to you willingly!? What an operator! You really pulled it off, didn't you Joe! But that son of yours has the last laugh! Now he's got the whole kit and kaboddle! Outsmarted you! Out lived you too! Ha! Oh well, Joe. Now that you're here, I've got to line up my top men to run God's government you know. Its time we get it rolling since the sheep will be coming into pasture. Ha Ha. We've got a lot of preaching to do before the next batch arrives in the second resurrection, so who should we get to write up the assignment lists and take attendance? We'll have to see how many of the deacons made it. I hope a few of them are around. Have you seen any? I haven't either. Maybe we can sucker, oh I mean entice a few deaconesses to get the job done. Hey ladies, its time to bring out the crystal service and put away the Tupperware, we have God's work for you to do. Ladies? Hey you? I'm God's Apostle! But it’s your duty to obey me.... Oh! I should go where? I'll disfellowship you for that and mark you! How dare you ignore my orders! Don't you know who I am!?

What the....? What the hell are you doing here John Trechak? Damn it! Do you have to follow me and Joe everywhere we go? Can't you ever stop that damn Ambassador Report so Joe and I can get back to the business of God's work without our every move getting reported to the brethren! Why the hell are you laughing? There's nothing funny about it, John. We've got work to do. How'd you get here anyway? You were disfellowshipped and marked a long time ago. How'd this happen? Hey Joe! Did YOU let him back in? Hey Joe, where the hell did you go, don't you know that I'm in charge now and you have to be submissive. Joe. Damn him, there he goes in his black Cadillac. How'd he get that? How does he rate anyway?

Well, guess I'll mosey on, but I'm not sure where I'm going. Hey you! How do I get to headquarters? Hey you over there....boy with the wolf. How dare you walk away from me. I demand your respect! How'd he get here anyway? The hell with him, I'll figure out the layout and get to headquarters so I can get started on the new millennium. I wonder where that music is coming from. Guess I'll go see. Oh there's a crowd. Greetings in the name of Jesus Christ, brethren. Jesus Christ! Well I'll be a son of a...if it isn't the 'king of rock 'n roll! And he's still singing and swiveling those hips. I'll have to write some new articles about lewd behavior and publish it in the next issue of the Plain Tru............ Wait a minute......Elvis was never a baptized member of the church so what's he doing here anyway? Hey boy! Stop this instant! Hum... must not have heard me. Oh well, maybe I can still cut the rug myself, if nobody is watching of course. 'well its one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and go cats go.....' Hey this is fun. I haven't danced since Garner Ted was at Ambassador College. Hey Ted? You here? Ted! Can you hear me? Guess not. I'm not surprised. He's a chip off the old block. Must not have been sincere when he repented the last time. Too bad. Guess I'll have to remember that he is still disfellowshipped from God's true church even if he was my heir-apparent until the Tkach boys came along and changed everything. Oh yeah, that's right. They did change everything. Maybe that's why nobody else is here. They're all in Sabbath services. Must be Saturday...oh that's right....that was changed too. Must be Sunday. Hey you over there! What time does the sun set today? Yeah. I want to know when the Sabbath is over? You never heard of the Sabbath? How'd you get here? Geeeeeeze! Maybe I am just dreaming after all. I wonder. You aren't Christian? Then what are you doing in the first resurrection? Stop laughing.  Who do you think YOU ARE laughing at God's Apostle, Jesus Christ? THE HELL YOU SAY!!!!! If you're Jesus Christ, then I'm Mickey Mou........You really are him? I suppose you're here to help me get the government set up, right? Stop laughing. I'll tell God and get you disfellowshipped if you don't treat his Apostle with respect. Now go get Joe over here and we'll get started.....Oh. You're giving the orders now? It’s not the Sabbath? What do you mean it’s not the first resurrection? What do you mean that I preached a bunch of bullshit? How dare you insult me! Whatda ya mean I'm no Apostle? And that they have had a few cold days there. Stop laughing, dammit! This isn't funny. Where's my jet? I'm outta here? Nowhere to go? Gotta stay and repent? The hell you say! God has a recycling program? I'm to be in charge of that, huh? NO? Stop laughing. Recycles garbage? Next time I have to be born again as a female? What do you mean, born again? I ain't goin' nowhere!!! Stop laughing. I have to go? God said? Can't I at least be a male? I wouldn't know what to do without my ........I'll get used to it? Oh no! Or else? What's the 'or else'? You'll send Rosanne to be my mom and John Trechak to be my dad next time around? No! No! No! I'll go. Bye Jesus, I'll go. See ya, Joe. I'm outta here. Goin' back to try again. You too? A twin sister? Whatda ya mean, Martin Luther King, Jr.'s grand children? Black? Oh shit!”

to be continued…

Chapter One - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

“When I woke up this morning I had the strangest feeling, like I'd been dreaming about passing through a tunnel and meeting up with a bunch of well-wishers. They could have been better greeters though. I'll have to have the spokesman's club use the topic of "how one should be a humble greeter" for their next assignment. One of those idiots actually introduced himself as Jesus Christ. Must be a nut case.

“Gosh! Isn't it amazing! I can clap my hands together and they just pass right through one another! Wow!!! This body is really something else! I used to preach about the soul sleeping in the grave until the resurrection. I really thought the Jehovah Witnesses had a spectacular idea, about staying on the earth 'in the kingdom'. Then Jesus comes back and everybody gets educated with my one true church. They never knew I borrowed a bit of my doctrine from them. Heh heh. But then the Mormons didn't know I stole from them either when I discovered that they were God makers and that was as good as any incentive to get people to want to be a part of my church. Heh heh. Will wonders never cease! All I had to do was tell people that they would become gods and they couldn't get enough of my preaching! Heh heh. The arrogant jerks.

“And good old Adolph Hitler. He had some damn good ideas about control. I couldn't have designed my doctrines and policies without his expertise incorporated into my idealism. It really worked. His idea of telling a 'big lie' rather than a little bitty one, worked wonders with the dumb sheep! Heh heh. Actually I didn't lie about much. I AM the greatest! Never before in the history of mankind has there been any one apostle that blanketed the world with as much 'plain truth' as I did. I really got the message out there, even if it was a modge podge of Christianity and Judaism and quite a few other religions. I thought my borrowing even a little reincarnation from the Eastern Religions was a clever way to get Elijah to come back when it was convenient. Well, I suppose I'll have to come up with some more information. That six month, in depth study of the Bible, gave me quite a bit to go on but I could spend another six months and see what else I can come up with. Then I'll pass it along to the ministers for them to preach about.

“Lets see. Its time for me to call for a ministerial conference. Where's my phone? Actually I am confused. Where am I? I thought I was in my own bed, but this is a strange place. Hum. Look out this window and....hey....I'm not even in Pasadena! Where the hell am I? Did the jet land someplace and I fell asleep before it landed and here we are in a new place. That must be it. Hey Rod? Where are you? Herman? Stanley? Yeah, you're still on the payroll until 2004, so you might as well keep working for me. Stan? Ted? Where the hell are all you guys? Ramona? I didn't call for you. What the hell are you doing here? You want what? My last will and testament? Get lost!!! I must be dreaming still. That dame has got her nerve even in my sleep.

“Oh shit! Maybe I'm really asleep in my grave and dreaming! Maybe I'll have nightmares like this for a thousand years! That would be worse than what I preached about oblivion. Damn. I can't figure this one out. Hey anybody! Can you hear me?

“Huh? There's hat Jesus freak again, all dressed up in robes and sandals acting like a fool, smiling and blessing everybody. He will be a tough one to convert! There'll be none of that gentleness and sweetness in the men in my church! Who wants those damn sissies anyhow! Not me. I want REAL men. Men that can rule with a rod of iron. Hey Rod? Speaking of ruling with a rod of iron...where are you? You've always been my 'yes man', so now when I need to have your help you're nowhere to be found.

“This is disgusting. Oh, hello there missy. You've got a cute ...excuse you? You're an angel? Yeah, and I'm the big bad wolf! See my choppers? Heh heh! The better to eat you my dear. Oh, where's my teeth? Must have left them on my dresser. You never saw anyone with spare parts before? Where have you been? Oh sure....in heaven....and I've been a good little boy and you're the tooth fairy! Right!?

“Hum. This is strange. I do have my teeth in. But they don't come out. In fact they are real. How'd that happen? Oh yeah...something strange here just like with my hand clapping. I can stick my finger in my mouth and it comes out my nose or ear or.....Stop laughing. I was only playing. You think I need to be re-educated in a re-education camp? Aren't they located in China? I don't want to go to China. Besides they'd stop my jet from landing there because I pissed them off a few years ago on account of Mr. Chin or Chan or what was his name? That funny little bow legged guy that used to do some importing for me. I don't wanna go to .....Who said anything about China? Well I just assumed.....You're going to send me to this camp here? But I'm sleeping and having a nightmare!.....I'm not sleeping? What the hell do you call this then?.......You've got to be kidding! This ain't no heaven. Where's my harp? Heh, heh.....oh.....it’s a heavy one. But I don't know how to play it. Play it anyway? Just for kicks? Who do you think you are telling me to....Just shut up and play?

“I think it was Taiwan where I last "tied one on" anyway with the little ladies and what a blast with.....hey.....Herman! You around? Just thinking about some good-old-days and you come to mind...Herman's not here you say? I wasn't bragging! I was just logging a few more of my escapades for posterity!....And I'll be doing what for penance?.....What do you mean, born again? I ain't gettin' involved with no 'born again Christians'. I should have thought about that when I wrote all those stupid booklets? What do you mean, stupid booklets! They were my best work! How dare you say they stunk! How dare you say they caused thousands and thousands of people their lives? I didn't kill anybody. I didn't hurt anybody. I was only following orders. I was on a hot line from God himself! And he told me what to write. Every word. If you don't believe me, just ask Garner Ted. He heard 'em too. Who you ask? God. God told us. I am NOT....I repeat.....NOT.....FULL OF SHIT. I am GOD'S APOSTLE. HIS ONE AND ONLY APOSTLE ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH!!! What do you mean that that was then, this is NOW? What do you mean this isn't earth???????”

to be continued…

Chapter Two - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

“Where's that damn maid service!!! I demand immediate room service!!!! How the hell can I preach on an empty stomach? Dammit, get those pork chops up here immediately! There! That oughta get'em movin'!!!! How the hell can I write ad nauseam as I must, on an empty stomach! I have to rewrite my articles on the dangers of eating unclean meat. Hey room service, I'll take a lobster with my pork chop! And plenty of fluffy white bread with gobs of strawberry jelly. Can't get enough of that sweet stuff! Oh, thinking about sweet stuff, you shoulda seen the stream of nice little college freshman girls ripe for the pickin' at Ambassador College every year. I was inspired by them, time and again to write about that old Jezebel and the dangers of getting worked up over these hot babes, or rather, sinful women. Those Eve descendants. Mother Eve, you've produced your whole line of bad bad prodigy. Ain't a woman alive who can match up to any man, even the lowest of the low....hey where the hell is that room service? Can't you dumb broads ever get here on time?!!! I'm a hungry man and you'd better watch out when I'm hungry. I'll eat ANYTHING!!! Heh heh.....

“Damn accommodations! Its not the same here as the good old days when I was jetting all over the globe and picking the cream of the crop, so to speak, all over the globe while preaching of course. Had to have some kind of a cover up, to make it look like authentic church business. Managed a few nice photographs too of ME with world leaders. All it cost was a few thousand dollars to buy a priceless antique crystal and I could get all the photos I wanted. The dumb sheep ate that up like a bunch of pork chops! Hey dammit, where's my damn pork chops! I'm hungry. What do you mean this is no hotel?

“What are you doing working here, John Trechek? What's on that tray? Oh, you brought me my breakfast, bless your rotten heart! Here, put it right here in front of me. Hey, this is pretty good. You cook this too? Oh, you just harvested it. I see. Not too bad, John. Tastes a little funky though. What is it? They call it a cow pie? Aw John, don't tease an old man, tell me what it really is. Chomp! Chomp! Oh, you got it out in that pasture over there? The one I can see out my window? Oh. I see. So tell me the truth John, the plain truth. The hell you say, John! You wouldn't feed me a pile of dried out bullshit! Oh, you would? Chomp Chomp Chomp. What's that loud noise I hear, John? Oh, just the bull outside my window? BULL?????? Aw shit! That's right you say? You son of female dog. Stop laughing, John. It isn't funny. Give me a tooth pick. Burp!

“Just deserts, huh, John? So what are you going to bring me for dessert? One of those cute little blond bombshells I see floating around all over the place? Heh, heh.....Oh, there're angels, you say. Yeah and I'm the pope. Oh, you don't think the pope would like you using his name in vain? Ha Ha Ha....that ain't all I'd use in vain in that old Harlot Babylon religion. I could tell you stories, John, about the Vatican and popes that would curl your toe nails. I'll bet if you could sneak your way into the Vatican Library you could find out a lot of juicy stuff about that old cat at the top, and all the others all the way back to St. Pete! Yeah John, just a whole new territory for you to report on so you can get off my back!

“Who wants to see me? Yeah right! And I'm the Queen of Sheba! So you're St. Pete, oh excuse me, Peter! Ha Ha Ha. We had another connotation for that word back in the old days, Pete. Heh, heh....so what the hell do you want with me? Disrespectful? Who me? Naw man! I respect the hell outa you and all the REAL MEN. Its just these wimpy guys that freak me out, like the one that's walking this way in robes and sandals. He looks like a real loser! A sissy. A wimp. Oh Jesus Christ! That's right! This lunatic introduces himself as Jesus Christ. And I'm Mickey Mou.....you say he is Jesus Christ? And you're St. Pete? Ha Ha Ha, and so where's your buddy Judas? Still hanging around on the tree I suppose! Ha Ha Ha......THE HELL YOU SAY!!!!! The hell you say!!!! That's him walking outside in the bull pen? Sure, and John Trechak wears panty hose!!!! John? Where the hell did you go John, just when I needed you? John?

“Oh? He had to go over and talk to Joe Tkach cause he's crying again? What the hell has he got to cry about? The old fool. He took over my empire, I mean my church, I mean God's church when I....oh that's right fellas. This is all a nightmare. And you'll all go "POOFT" in just a minute or two and I can enjoy my pork chops and lobster and a good cold beer! He's still crying? Because he was the number one apostle for such a short time compared to me? Oh, what a jerk!!!! He'd never have been an apostle at all if I hadn't left the position vacant for him. Of course, the arrogant jackass couldn't wait to get my job. Even rewrote my best seller, "Mystery of the Ages". NO! NOT MYSTERY OF THE AGED!!!!!!!!! A G E S you fools! What do you mean you never read such bullshit? Whatda ya mean it was never a best seller? Whatda ya mean I was a senile old fool? What do ya mean that at least there was more truth in that book than my autobiography? HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME!!!!! IT WAS NOT FICTION!!! I don't like this place. Nobody likes me. Stop LAUGHING!!!!

“Dammit Joe, stop your blubbering!!! Can't you see I've got REAL trouble? Nobody will bring me my pork chops!

“Don't let those alligator tears fool you fellas, he's a real peach! Scripture whipped and harangued his wife until she was a mindless fool stumbling around in her robe and slippers all over Ambassador campus. That's what John Trechak told me. I suppose it’s true. John wouldn't lie. Would you, John? Hey John, where'd you go? Out for breakfast? He's having pork chops and lobster and a cold beer? That son of a bi........stole my breakfast! Damn you John!!! It’s not bad enough that you ruin my reputation by writing all that shit about me, then you go steal my food. I'd never do THAT to anybody. Steal their food? How low can you go? John, you're a monster. I'm hungry!!!! What do you mean I robbed people of their food budget for years? What do you mean there were a lot of hungry kids around the world because of my greed? What do you mean some of them died because of me? If they were dumb enough to send me their money, it was their own stupidity!!!! you can't pin that on me, Jesus Christ!

“You have proof? Akashic Records? That's what you call the book of life? It's all in there? Word for word? Deed for deed? Jesus Christ!!!! Not getting away with anything? Not one little jot or tittle? Tit for tat. What do you mean, born again? What goes around comes around. Cause and effect...I was right on that? Oh Shit!”

to be continued…

Chapter 3 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

"Oh it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood ...blah.... blah....blah...humm... .hum... What have we here? Oh! If it isn't my old buddy, old pal, how the hell are you, you old son-of-a-gun! Will wonders never cease? Will I wake up and this will all disappear? Hey you over there! Dick! Dick! It's me, Herbert W. Armstrong. How's it going, buddy? Haven't seen you since the last time we had our pictures taken together.....when I was on my tour to preach the word of God, yeah. You don't remember? You were busy because of Watergate? You don't remember me? Oh, you do remember me? Great! Not great? It was easier dealing with the Democrats? That's not fair, Dick. I never broke into your headquarters. You heard someone took over mine at Pasadena? That's where WHO? got the idea??? Pay off the authorities? Because I persuaded them to give up the receivership you think I paid them off, Dick? Well it worked, didn't it!!! So what's the big deal, Dick? Dick? Where'd you go, Dick.? Damn him! Can't take a little reminiscence of the good-old-days.. what a sore loser. That's a Republican for ya.

"Don't speak like that of the dead, you say? Who the hell are YOU to tell me how to talk? Jesus Christ? Damn! It’s you again! What the hell do you want with me, you sandal footed, effeminate flunky? I am NOT arrogant!!! God hates arrogance? So what's that got to do with me? I'll meet my match? He who gets the last laugh, laughs best? Stop laughing!!

"I wish you were here, Herman. At least I'd have somebody to talk to who spoke my language and didn't PULL RANK on me. I'd even settle for a few minutes with the windbag. At least Gerald treated me like an apostle. These old-timers here got no respect for a man of God. Oh shit! Here comes John Trechak again. Hey, John! How were the pork chops? Best you ever ate, you say? Stop laughing, John. I don't think you've very nice...stealing food from an old man. You don't think I'm very nice either? Nobody likes me. I don't get any respect. You've heard that before? There's more than one Rodney? One earns his living as a comedian, the other never intended to be, but is a hoot? No RESPECT, John. You don't give me no respect, or you wouldn't talk about my right hand men that way. STOP LAUGHING! John! Dammit John.

"Didn't it ever occur to you people around here that I'm a self-made man? I tried everything to make a living when I was a young man, and it wasn't easy. Even tried to sell mud for facials. Why do you think it pisses me off when women wear makeup? They wouldn't buy my beauty packs when they had a chance, so they don't have to wear that paint on their faces now. I wasn't talking about Rod. Still another Rod out there? This one wears makeup? Oh that basketball star? What a show off, John. He acts that way because he's a show off. I've out 'show-offed' him? What are you saying, John? You think I'm more of a celebrity? Oh, in a smaller circle. Just to the brethren? I'm not a show-off John! I'm God's apostle. Stop laughing!

"You again, Pete? What the hell do you want. Stealing your title? You're the real apostle. Yea, and I'm Tiny Tim! The ukulele player who married Miss Vickie, you idiot! Not the little cripple! You're who you are and I'm who I am? Can't change that? Take responsibility for everything I've ever done? Oh, get a life, Pete! Aren't you supposed to be tending the pearly gates?

"What a jerk! Can't get off my back! And who the hell are you looking at me that way? Charles? I don't know ya, chuck. Dickens? Hum...have we ever met? But I never meant any harm Chuck when I talked about Tiny Tim. I was referring to that 60's kook with the long hair who strummed a ukulele and sang 'Tiptoe Through The Tulips'. You want me to shut up my 'two lips'. Excuse me? You'd like to send the ghost of Christmas past to give me a life review? Hey Chuck, old Pete and his nutty buddy Jesus Christ have been doing that every day. There were lots of Tiny Tim's left in my wake? What the hell does that mean? Sure I preached that parents should trust God and not doctors, send me their tithe money and not buy health insurance. Big deal! It’s their problem, Chuck. Kids died? Parents died? Just because they refused medical treatment. So, Chuck, what's your point?

"Loma? Whatda ya know about Loma, Chuck? It was her choice, Chuck, not to get a doctor when she was sick. It’s not my fault she suffered a bowel obstruction and died, even though a simple procedure would have saved her. God let her die. My son? What do you know about my son? Oh, that one. Not many people knew about Richard. My fault? Get off it, Chuck. God's will. I ain't takin' no blame for nobody dying!!! It was God's will. God was punishing them for not having any faith. That's the way it is Chuck! Who are all those people out there, Chuck? There's enough to fill Ambassador Auditorium. Who are they all? Here to see me? What the hell do they want to see me for? Go and see? But I don't wanna!!! No choice. God said?

"These are all former members and children in the Worldwide Church of God? Howdy folks! Here I AM. HERBERT W. ARMSTRONG. FOUNDER AND APOSTLE OF GOD'S ONE TRUE CHURCH ON THE PLANET EARTH! Oh...the hell you say....this isn't earth....oh yeah....I heard that the other day.....YOU WHAT? Have all those who died because they refused medical treatment because of my doctrine? So, Chuck, what's your point? Stop swearing, Chuck. Show me some RESPECT! Whatda ya mean I don't deserve the respect of a snail? Whatda ya mean I'm a murderer? Have you lost your marbles? I can't help it if the dumb sheep are too dumb to go to a doctor. You know I had the very best doctors money could buy when I was sick before coming here. I didn't ask anybody's permission to get a doctor. I just hired the best! Oh...whose money you ask? Well, out of my salary of course, Chuck. From the church! You criticizing me for using the tithe money these dead people paid to me to pay my doctor bills? Outrageous? Get a life, Chuck. What'd you say? Can't hear ya Chuck! Too much booing from the crowd. I'm outta here. Gonna have some lunch. Chuck, where'd you go?

"Hey John, wanna go to lunch? I'll buy the pork chops. Maybe if I buy you some you'll not steal mine!!! I'm getting the idea? What idea, John? There's enough for everybody if the hogs don't hoard it all? They got pigs here, John? Let's go eat, I'm hungry."

to be continued…

Chapter Four - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

"Those sure were good pork chops, John. We'll have to do lunch again sometime! Now be honest with me, John...was that really bullshit you were feeding me the other day? Oh, you would never do such a thing! It was only brown bread in the shape of a cow pie...what a relief, John. You'd never shove bullshit down anybody's throat like I did? That's not nice to say, John. Not nice at all. I was just feedin' the flock, ha ha. Just feeding the dumb sheep.

"Did I tell you John, that I met Charles Dickens the other day? Yeah...he was really pissed off at me for what he referred to as the Tiny Tim fiasco. Brought all the folks together that he said died because of my doctrine against medical treatment. What a wimp! He even talked about my son Richard. You know, John, I didn't cause the car accident that Richard had. I didn't cause him to go into shock. And I didn't allow him to have the injection that the doctors in the emergency room said would bring him out of shock. I don't know where anyone got the idea that I had anything to with his death, John. It was the will of God. I just did not intervene in God's will, John. Oh, you heard about this from Pastor MaGee? What else did he tell you, John. John? Who's that with you now, John? I'll be a son of a bitc...........RICHARD! You won't let me shake your hand? But son, I'm your father!!!! How dare you call me such names. You are to HONOR your father and mother, Richard. HONOR!!!!! Whatda mean I haven't a clue what honor is? You ungrateful mouthy little son of a.....

"Oh who cares anyway. I'll just mosey on over to this little park and see what all the excitement is that's going on. Hum....that black guy looks familiar....oh, I recognize him now. It’s Martin Luther King, Jr., the civil rights guy. Wonder what he's up to...I'll see if I can get closer to him. I don't ever remember having my picture taken with him, but maybe I can weasel my way outta this mess if I kiss up to 'em. Oh! Listen to that! He's just had an audience with God and asked that his grandchildren be spared. From what I wonder. I can't hear him very well. He doesn't want Herbert W. Armstrong and Joe Tkach reincarnated as his twin granddaughters??? He's gotten a special dispensation from God for all the civil rights work he did on earth and his request has been granted. Well I guess that saves my ass too! I'll have to tell Joe when I see him. I don't think he was too enthusiastic about the idea either.

"Oh there's Joe....Oh Joe, did you hear the news? We aren't going to reincarnate as Martin Luther King Jr.'s twin granddaughters after all. God let us off the hook!!! The rest of the story? No Joe, I didn't hear the whole thing. What are you talking about? You've got to be kidding!!! Mike Tyson and who?

"I don't like this place, Joe!!! Who are those kids with you? They were in the Worldwide Church of God when I was still in charge? Hi girls, do you know who I am? I'm Herbert W. Armstrong, God's apostle and founder of His church! Stop that! Stop spitting on me! Where's the security guards? Get these little wenches offa me!!! Whatda ya mean they lost their lives because they couldn't have appendectomies? Died of burst appendixes? And you say it was my fault? Oh that one lost her hearing because of a mastoid infection that went untreated? Like I said, Joe, I had nothing to do with it. It was God's will!!! Those people didn't have enough faith that God was going to heal them and THAT'S WHY THEY DIED. I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, JOE!!!! Joe? Where did you go?

"You think you're disgusted!!! I just come here, not even of my own free will, and all I get is flack! Flack! Flack, flack, flack. What a bunch of idiots, blaming me for all their problems. I don't get no respect. I don't even get to eat my pork chops when I call for room service, Trechak jumps the gun on me. I'm sick of this. I just want to go to the World Tomorrow and get the kingdom set up. I just want all my boys back workin' for me...

"No, I was just talking to myself! Who are you? Tiny Tim? Where's your ukulele, bub? heh heh heh. You look just as dumb in that long hair as you did on TV, Tim. How do you think God feels about that long hair, man? Don't you know God hates long hair? Who? Jesus Christ? Naw, his hair wasn't long, that was just a lie. Believe me, Tim. Oh you know for a fact that Jesus Christ had long hair? Still does, you say? Oh I can't win 'em all, Tim. Didn't mean to insult you, Tim. I should tiptoe through my own tulips and stay out of your garden? Whoops! I didn't realize I was stepping on your flowers. Whatda ya mean that at least your fans got what they bargained for and you never claimed to be song bird! NO! I AM NOT A BIRD OF PREY!!!! Whatda ya mean I ain't no bird-o-paradise? A VULTURE? Damn you, Tim. Just damn you. Stop laughing.

"I don't know what this place is coming to. I just walk around looking for headquarters and I meet up with the damdest people. All I've done is mind my own business and all I get is flack! Flack, flack, flack!!!! I hope they were kidding about having to be born again to Mike Tyson and some babe, that sounds like torture to me. Can't I at least be white. What about my autobiography? I'm descended from King David's seed. I'm heir to the royal family and the British branch of Israel. Doesn't anybody know who I am here? Oh, you do, huh John? Yeah, and you tattle on me at every turn! Oh you wouldn't do that if the truth was in me? John, you know damn well that I've always told the plain truth! John! Stop laughing. Get up, John! Tim gets mad when you flatten his flowers!! John! Quit rolling on the ground! Damn him!!! He'll get me in trouble all over again! I outa here...."

to be continued....

Chapter Five - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

"Well, well, well!!! Who do we have here!!!! My right hand man twice removed!!! If it isn't John! John Robinson!!! How the hell are you John? Haven't seen you since you left the nest!!! Aren't I meaning the web? Naw John, I mean God's church, the Worldwide Church of God! No, John, it isn't a tangled web. It’s the one and only true church on the face of earth! Whatda ya mean it'll get untangled on the worldwide web? I think you're nuts, John. It’s not the worldwide web, its the worldwide ch......oh you heard me the first time and I should listen to you? Ha ha John! Whatda you know that I could give a damn about??? I'm the apostle! God talks directly to me!!! I should have gotten an "Oscar"? How nice of you to think that highly of me, John! Because I put on a pretty good show? Fooled a lot of people into believing a tangled web of lies? Now, John, that isn't nice! You should respect your elders. That isn't nice to say, John. No, just because I'm older doesn't mean I'm wiser. But I'm a not a senile old fool! Whatda ya mean its better than being called a diabolical, evil, murdering, narcissistic, egotistical old fool!? Shut up, John. You're talking to ME. Remember WHO you are talking to!!! Whatda ya mean you know and you're not the senile one! Damn you, John.

"What are you doing here anyway, John? Give up selling books? Oh, you haven't given up selling books, you've passed the baton! I've heard that story before! Joe Tkach told everybody I was passing the baton to him and all he did was take over the position of God's apostle when I was too weak to stop him! The only thing I'd pass to him is gas.......Whatda ya mean I expelled enough hot air to pollute the whole planet? And that's why you wrote a best seller John? Delusional? Who me? John, if anybody is delusional it’s you. I'm the apostle here, not you and anytime I call on Jesus Christ, he's right here to.......see, John. Howdy Jesus Christ! Got new sandals? Those old ones look like something the cat dragged in, har har........Hey Jesus, this is my old friend, John Robinson from Tulsa. John, stop denying that we're friends! Whatda ya mean you thought you were in hell when you saw me? Whatda ya mean I preached a gospel contrary to Jesus Christ? Hey John.....Jesus.....where are you going without me? Damn it!!! Fair weather friends!!!

"Oh John Trechak....too many John's if you ask me......hi John. You're the best friend I've got here. Whatda ya mean I'm pretty hard up if that's the case! You're only hangin' around to write another issue of the Ambassador Report. Damn you, John! Stop Laughing!!!! Let’s go for breakfast...Whatda ya mean they're all out of pork chops and we'll have to eat pancakes? I've always dined 'high on the hog', John. Heh, heh!!! Whatda ya mean some hogs are pigs, John? Hey John, who's the pretty lady over there? The one with the big smile and sooooo tall? Diana? Princess Diana. Oh, John, she's my relation. Didn't you read my genealogy in my autobiography? I'm a descendant of King David who is the ancestor of the family on the British throne and I'm a thirty-second cousin thrice removed, John.....John........John! Get up off the ground and quit rolling around!!!! It isn't THAT funny. A lot of 'em believed me!!!! Oh, Jesus Christ!!! You again!!! You're the true descendant of King David? You think I'm full of what????? Oh, Jesus Christ! I never thought you'd say a thing like THAT!!!!

"Greetings to you in the name of Jesus Christ, Princess Diana. I'm Herbert W. Armstrong, founder of the Worldwide Church of God, and God's one and only apostle of the twentieth century. You won't shake my hand, young lady? Its been in places you wouldn't touch....clean up the mess I made?.....heir to the Devil's throne? I make Charles look like a saint? Chuck who, missy? What the dickens? You back again? Chuck? Whatda ya want with me? We're going were? You got permission from whom? Do a little past life review? Oh shit! Here we go again! Bye Diana. Look at that! She won't even wave. Didya see that, Chuck? She spit on the ground where I was standing. What a wench!

"Where are we, Chuck? Pasadena? Why do you want me to look at all these Christmas decorations? Whose house are we in? This is what year? When I was Pastor General.....no Christmas here....no presents.....deprived children of their childhoods.....what's this?? A woman lying on a bed? Sick and won't go to a doctor because of my doctrines.......she's dead, Chuck? Those are her little children that are crying? I don't like it here, Chuck....lets get outa here.....where are we now? This place stinks, Chuck.....who are these old people sitting around in wheel chairs........why are they screeching and reaching for me, Chuck? They're the ones who I cheated out of their homes and they have to live in squalor? Why should I give a damn, Chuck. They're nothing but ignorant fools!!! I want to go home......who are these people in my home, Chuck??? They don't belong here! Where's my good China? My expensive crystal? My ......... God ........ Chuck ... .......everything's gone. And if I don't repent then I'll have to live where??? And never be with God? No joy? No love? Nothing but misery? I don't like it here, dammit Chuck!!!! Let me outa here!!!!!!!!!!

"Oh, we're back to this, are we, Chuck....Chuck? Where'd you go Chuck. Damn him. Gets me all worked up and then disappears like Hoodeeny! And howdy-ho to you too! Who are you? I called? Whatda ya mean I called? Said your name? Yeah, so what? That was a summons? Oh, I don't know the rules here? Better learn them or I'll end up with some weird visitors? Whatda ya mean by that? Trickster? Worked magic? Mind control is like magic? Can trip a trigger and somebody goes into trance? You want to learn how I did that? Who-deenie? I never did that....never told a bunch of lies. Never preached................oh, you know better because you heard of me a long time ago. Braggart? Arrogant? Self Centered? Mean? Don't you have anything nice to say to me? You don't? Then shut up!!! You want to put me in THAT THING and make me disappear? Where do I go if I disappear from here? Whatda ya mean, Born again? Damn it!!! Is that all anybody can ask me around here?

"Cheap tricks? So you think I took lessons from some magician and.....oh...so you figure I did more than just Bible study in those six months in depth study I brag about.....most people spend not six months but six years or more in Bible study...and I thought I was an expert.......learned a bunch of crap and wove it together into a magic spell and hypnotized my audiences? Totalitarianism? Tyrant? Hitler buff? I studied Adolf Hitler, you say? You sure know how to say nasty things about an old man! I'm God's apostle and God gave me the instructions.......aren't buying it?......we have a visitor?.......called his name and he's here? Oh Shit! Greetings to you in the name of Jesus Christ, Adolph. How the hell are you? Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ!!! Jesus Christ? Where the hell are you when I NEED YOU!???"

to be continued...

 

Chapter Six - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

"I DEMAND you to come here this INSTANT!!! Jesus Christ!!!!! Come here!!! NOW!!!! What am I calling on him for? Scared of you? No Mr. Hitler, I'm one of your greatest fans....yeah....read all your stuff....Mein Kampf.....stole from you too? Naw...I just borrowed from you Adolf. I knew how well things worked for you. You sure got the people to ask 'how high' when you said 'jump'. Yeah, worked for me too. Some of 'em are still jumping around like a bunch of drunkard frogs...hop....hop....hop....heh...heh...OH? You were the master of harangue until I showed up? Sure works! Snapping those minds like tooth picks!!! Gotta know just how to push 'em to the edge and then WHAM!!! They're your pigeon! Will sit, stand, speak, shut up, and bend over whenever you say! Not to mention, send in their tithe money....first, second and third. What a bunch of damn fools! Can you believe it, how they slaved away to pay all that money to me? Ha ha, and what a life I had! The finest restaurants every day, any day!!! The mansions and furnishings from all over the world, and the jet at my beck and call. And the women, Adolf! The women!...well I've had the smorgasbord there too!!! And the young 'uns...you ain't tasted tender meat... Adolf until you've..........

"Pork chops....yeah......not until you've had the pork chops they serve here Adolf. Adolf, where are you? You've repented a little over the last fifty years and can't stomach listening to me brag? I don't believe you, Adolf. I don't believe God would ever forgive you. You mean even after the millions of people you destroyed, God will give you time to turn your life around? If you're absolutely sincerely sorry? God is not made in man's image, you say? Man is made in God's image, and he's thrown away the mold for you and me? At least you were crazy, what's my excuse? Yeah, sure, buddy. I'm not your buddy? Like you said, get lost?....go away....get a life.....God is in charge here and can do anything....even forgive somebody like me? But, I don't have anything to repent of, Adolf......I'm God's apostle.........

"Believing my own delusions? You again!!! Wake up and smell the coffee?....but Hew-deenie....I don't wanna....ha ha.....you'll show me something? This autta be good. Why are we in front of this audience? Nice introduction, man, now you want me to hypnotize this crowd.....well all I know how to do is.....preach! Bore them to death? Then they'll stop listening and their sub-conscious minds will absorb everything...yeah....I know that....worked wonders on the dumb sheep....so now what do ya want me to say? I should tell them I'm sorry for all the garbage I put in their subconscious minds? I should apologize for deliberately lying to them about scripture? I should tell them I twisted the scriptures to mean what I wanted them to mean? I should tell them that God gave them each a direct line of communication of their own and they don't need ANYBODY ELSE???? Do you think I'm a damn fool, Who-deenie? Tell them all that? Oh you do think I'm a damn fool. No? Oh....damned fool.

"So you want me to tell them that the Bible is a collection of writings put together at the council of Nicea by the Roman Catholic Church, that says what they wanted it to say? They were a bit like me in that endeavor? Oh, so God inspired them? Oh, God isn't taking all the blame for all that's been done in His name? A lot of people were killed back then too, for not agreeing with the choices of writings. Oriegen? Who was he? They killed him for writing heresy? And you're calling me a heretic? I bastardized religion? Made a bad name of it? Caused people to give up religion altogether? Is that bad? Oh, so you think I did something even worse? Tell me about it, Who-deenie!!! What did I do? I put myself in the place of God? I set myself up to be their authority, not God? They transferred their worship to me instead of God? So? What's your point, Who-deenie? Who-dunit? Ha ha ha.....pretty clever wouldn't you say? An imposter? Screwed up a lot of people? Some of them went crazy because they really love God and tried to obey me instead? And you're holding me responsible for that, man? The devil made me do it....ha ha ha..........

"Oh shit! I didn't mean to page him.....I hope he doesn't show up now like the rest of them do! I still haven't found headquarters. I guess I'll have to mosey on down this road....I'm off to see the wizard....the wonderful wizard of Oz.... blah... blah.... blah..... follow the yellow brick road......howdy....howdy....howdy....skip to maloo.... sure run into enough idiots around here......'when all I want is a party doll'....'ta be ever lovin' true and fair....to run her fingers through my hair....comalong and be my party doll...I wanna make love to you...to you....I wanna make love to you'.....Loma! What the hell are you doing? Evesdropping on me again, daughter of EVE! EVEsdropping? I don't wanna make love to you, you old bag, you old fridgid bag of bones. Righteous woman? God fearing? The best thing I ever had that I didn't appreciate? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Women are only good for one thing and that's to......cook.......and clean.......and take care of a man's needs.....And YOU wanted more!!! I shouldn't have let Richard die? And I should have helped you get your bowel obstruction removed? A simple operation? You're glad you died? Sick of living with me? I was the husband from hell??? Made 'Hagar the Horrible' look like a saint? Who's Hagar? I don't wanna know....he's probably some wimp that walks around in sandals like that goofy Jesus Christ. Nag...nag....nag...

"Oh dammit, I did it again! Well hello there, Jesus Christ! You old son-of-a-gun! What are you up to today? Getting ready to show me some plain truth? Oh, I saw plenty of that on earth? Delusional? Printed bullshit? Now I get the real stuff? You're taking me to where? What the hell do I want to go into the mother's room for? That's just for women with scrawling brats! You want me to see how badly I treated them? Put them down for everything? Made life hell for them? Took away their strollers because I wanted to make it harder and harder for them to attend church so I could scorn them? So I could shame them? So I could make having babies seem like a bad thing? So, Jesus Christ, what's your point? So I put some shit on them. So what? So I said mother love was a selfish love...so what!? So I made them out to be bad because they bonded with their babies? So? So what's your point, Jesus Christ? Jesus.......where'd you go?

"Hopeless? You say I'm hopeless? Shit. Who gives a damn!"

to be continued…

 Chapter Seven - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

"Hopeless! How dare him say I'm hopeless! I know what hopeless is...its people like the dumb sheep. I got them to pay and pray...pay and pray...pay and pray...all the while I went to the bank and stashed their money. Ha ha ha ha ha.....Who are you? Do I know you? You look like a wacko!! You're from Waco? Oh, from near Big Sandy, Texas where I had one of the Ambassador College campuses. So what are you doing here? Took your followers to the promised land? Yeah? Ha ha ha ha....So your name is David? Yeah, I'm from the seed of David myself. Koresh? Oh, never heard of you! Branch Davidians? Oh, well I'm from the 'branch Herbertians', ha ha ha ha ha! So what's a Branch Davidian? Oh, used to be part of the Seventh Day Adventists. Whatda ya know David! The Worldwide Church of God was a branch off the Seventh Days too. In the old days I called my church the Radio Church of God after I left the Seventh Dayers back in Oregon. Control freaks!!!...the whole lot of them. All they wanted to do was tell me what to preach! Had to control everything! No room for creativity! So David, how come you're here? Oh, the government came after you and your group? They stopped you dead in your tracks? Your place burned to the ground at Waco? All the members too? Wow, I guess you did lead them to the promised land, David! So what are you doing here? Anybody take you around and show you the place? Ever try their pork chops? Hey David.........David...........I didn't mean to insult him. What a jerk. Hey David......where ever you are! Don't knock 'em 'till you've tried 'em......heh heh heh....

"What a loser! I never saw the likes of him before. Almost like that bunch down in Guyana and Jim Jones! Oh I did it again. Hello, I'm Herbert W. Armstrong...and who are you? Jones? Jim Jones? You brought your group here too? You took your people to their place of safety in Guyana and ended up killing them off? Not bragging about it? Sure I had a place of safety all lined up for my followers too. Petra in Jordan. Yeah, that's right...in the desert. Sure they would have followed me there. They would have gone anywhere I told them to go and done anything I told them to do. Just like your followers, Jim. Except I made sure I had them tithe, didn't force them to live with me. Hell, who'd what a bunch of losers for company!!!! I had world leaders eating out of my hands! Didn't you ever see my pictures with them? Never saw my magazines, the 'Plain Truth' and my 'World Tomorrow' program on TV? Oh you did see them? Full of shit? Jim! How can you say that about me? I preached the same stuff you did! And I did it long before you did and had a lot more people believing me than you did! How can you say I was full of shit? Oh because now you know that you were full of shit too. Oh. I see. They've gotten to you here too, huh Jim? Jim....where the hell did he go? Can't stand to see how I was more successful than he was! What a creep!!!

"Speaking of creeps...here comes that damn Joe Tkach again. And he's still crying. Hey Joe, what are you blubbering about this time? You're feeling bad because you can't find your black Cadillac? Well, well, well, things aren't going so good for you here? They were until I reminded you that I am the apostle now, and you're back to being an evangelist? Oh I demoted you to pastor? Heh heh heh, and your flock ran off somewhere and you can't find 'em. I'll just have to call you 'little Joe Peep' then won't I Joe....Joe? Hey Joe, can't you even take a joke?

"It sure is a strange place here. Run into all these weirdoes and has-beens and here I am still an apostle. I can't imagine how they can all be so wimpy. I built an empire right out of nothing and made an impact like few others ever did in their short life time. I built the Ambassador Auditorium in Pasadena and the campus, and look at all the good things I did with my life. I had a lot of fun. Whatda ya mean at other people's expense? Who are you? What do you mean I'm an imposter? That I claimed to be Elijah......so what! Oh, so you're the real Elijah? And when you go back to earth everybody will know who you are and you’ll clear up any of the damage I did to your reputation! Yeah, yeah, yeah....so what! Dammit! Can't get away with anything!

"I still can't find headquarters. I'll have to try this road and see where it leads me....I hope I don't run into any more kooks! I can hardly stand these ultra-humble characters. Elijah. Ha. Next thing you know I'll have John the Baptist on my case! Oh, I better look out or he'll show up! If I keep my mouth shut I won't get into trouble? Oh, its you Trechak! I might have known I couldn't have a day without you coming around to harass me and make my life miserable. Oh, so think it’s about time that I have to look at the reality of what I've done and make amends? So which rock you been hidin' under John? You just got here and you're trying to tell me how things are to be? Better get wiser young man. I've got a lot more experience than you....and you know it. Yeah, John...I know you know just about everything about me because you've been researching me for years....Get a life, John. Don't you have anything better to do than follow me around? You saw me talking to several different people today? Oh, so now you're going to write about me in that damn paper of yours? No? You quit publishing it? Oh yeah, I forgot John. You're here on this side now. You're going to start a new publication called the 'REAL Plain Truth'. Dammit John, do something original at least!

"So you think I've got some amends to make, huh John? Just what do you mean, repent? Don't you know that I have nothing to repent of, John? I even talked with Jesus Christ and he seems to think this is not possible. Hopeless is the word he used, John. A hopeless case. He said that I got caught up in my own lies and that I am delusional, believing some of them myself. So what amends could I possibly make? It was God's will, John. I swear it. Everything I ever did, was God's will. What'da ya mean I'm not God and that it was Herbert W. Armstrong's will not God's. And what makes you think I'll ever tell you what the "W" stands for in my name. Herbert Will Armstrong.....Herbert Won't Armstrong.....hey John......this is fun. I can be anybody I want to be and nobody can tell me what to do. Shut up? What makes you think you can tell me to shut up, John? You just did it because you wanted to? You've wanted to say that to me for a long time, John? There's a lot more you want to say to me but you're not that profane? Just shut up, John. You're not taking orders any more? I'm just a fat old fart? Stop laughing, John. I'm not that fat. I'm not that old either......I stink? This conversation is going nowhere, John."

to be continued…

 Chapter Eight - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

"This place is really bugging me! Nobody knows WHO I AM! I have to tell them over and over again. It’s really a damn shame. I come here to set up God's kingdom and nobody gives a damn. Jesus Christ! What a job. I don't know where to start. What an enormous task! I've got so much work to do and have to start from scratch. Sound like I'm on my pity pot? Says who? Oh, its you again, Jesus Christ. I'm no martyr? And you are? Never meant to be, you say? It was just a set-up? The Romans needed a martyr so they crucified you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't you think I had to READ the Bible in order to preach all those years!!!! So tell me something I DON'T KNOW!!!!!! I should've read the ancient texts from the far east? There's stories in there that really had some SHOCK VALUE? Like what, Jesus Christ??? Like what? Don't you think I told enough BIG ONES??? You wish I could have read Professor Hassnain's *book, about his search for the historical Jesus and I'd know what you mean? He wrote the real plain truth? He was a REAL scholar who searched for years, not an in-depth six month study of only ONE book? He searched all across the lands of Persia, Afghanistan, Central Asia and India? Found documented proof you traveled those places and they're recorded in the ancient texts? So when did you have time for that? You mean that even the rest of the Christians got their information screwed up long before I came along!!!?

"THE HELL YOU SAY!!!! THE HELL YOU SAY!!!! You mean to tell me you weren't even a Christian? You were a Jew!!! Oh Yeah! Well, I never thought of it THAT WAY!!!! You tellin' me you were trained by yogi's in the east? Learned how to shut down your body's functions to almost nothing? Coulda fooled lotsa people...Glad you had a good buddy, Joseph of Arimathaea from your Essene brotherhood....Are you telling me that the Romans made a martyr out of you so they could convert a bunch of people into their ways, NOT your ways? Now I'm confused. An old trick of martyrs and saviors? Like Hoodeeny? Magic tricks? Convince them they need to be saved and then provide a savior? The Romans made you into their scapegoat? Tricked the people into believing they needed your blood sacrifice to be saved....now I AM confused, Jesus Christ!

"So I shudda been the martyr except that Joe Tkach started rewriting my masterpiece, 'Mystery of the Ages', right after I came here, and he started messing with my doctrines. Instead of holding to my teachings he got rid of them like so much garbage and started preaching watered down swill. Yeah I guess some believers hung on to my stuff. Rod, Gerald, Bill....and where did it get them....yeah, you guessed....disfellowshipped and marked. Sometimes my own rules backfired on those who were relatively true to my doctrines. Oh well, Jesus Christ, I guess we both got our stuff messed with after our exit. Oh, the HELL you say!!! More to your story than what the Bible says? A prolonged stay? Can't believe a book that's been tampered with? Almost as fictional as my autobiography? I should read the Dead Sea Scrolls and Nag Hammadi Library? An in depth study--HERE? In the hall of records and knowledge? Is that near headquarters? Not the HEADQUARTERS I'm looking for? And it’s not all about ME! Says who? Oh, you! Well, well, well, you keep stealing my thunder Jesus Christ, so I need to relate it to my own dilemma. Pity pot? What the hell is a pity pot?

"So you're telling me that you went to earth to teach unconditional love? And that God is love. Am I supposed to know what that means? So what that I told the people that they had to EARN their salvation with WORKS...yeah, so what? Beats the hell outa them thinking they had it made in the shade and didn't have to tithe to get into the kingdom. Then what the hell would I do to buy jet fuel? Work? Not a chance!!! Shoulda taught them to love themselves? You have to be kidding! That bunch of losers!!!! Not even MOTHER'S LOVE could stomach the dumb sheep! Bah...bah...bah...bah

"Whatda ya mean I don't listen? I listen plenty!!! I just don't like what I hear! Claimed the plain truth and preached the plain crap? Jesus. For shame! Coming out of your mouth!!! Better than living in delusion? You know, Jesus Christ, you weren't the focus of attention in MY CHURCH!!! I put you up on a pedestal as God number two, but then ignored you completely! And as for the Holy Spirit, that son-of-a-gun was no more than an 'it'. I can't help but laugh when I remember how I made everybody cross out 'he' and 'him' in their Bibles and write in 'it'!! And the idiots did it! What the hell do you mean I don't have a clue about the Holy Spirit? Boo boo to you too Holy GHOST!!!! Boo, did I scare you? Ha ha ha ha ha

"You're not laughing? I robbed people of their Holy Spirit? The unpardonable sin? Blaspheme of the Holy Spirit.....yeah, yeah, yeah...I know all that....remember I wrote the BOOKLETS. Whatda ya mean those goddam booklets? Jesus Christ! How can you talk that way? Don't you know that God can hear you and.....Shut up? How dare you tell me to shut up! Duck tape? I don't believe you!!! Mmmm Org mumpf asfmmm....

"THAT WASN'T FUNNY!!!! Made me listen to your damn sermon for two hours! How do you expect me to listen that long? Oh, because I made my followers listen to all those boring sermons. This is only the first of how many HUNDRES OF HOURS I'll have to listen to? So God's time isn't measured like earth time? A day is as a thousand years? So how many hours is that, Jesus? How many?

"And whatda ya mean everybody's got the Holy Spirit? Without my permission!? Whatda ya mean that being true to the Holy Spirit means being true to self? Whatda ya mean that blaspheme of the Holy Spirit is self-betrayal? What a bunch of bullshit, Jesus Christ, are you a heretic too? Oh! According to the church you would be? Humm...interesting...”

*"A Search for the Historical Jesus" by Professor Fida M. Hassnain, Down to Earth Books, available at:  http://www.spinninglobe.net/histjesusearch.html

to be continued...  

Chapter Nine - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

"What is the Unpardonable sin? You asking me, Jesus Christ? I'm sure you're going to tell me now that you've got me as your captive audience. Just desserts? Collectively speaking, if I have to pay my karmic debt I'll be sitting here listening to you longer than YOU could stand being with me? More than one millennium would pass? I'd better listen the first time? You gonna fill me with that spiritual crap now? Shut up? You certainly don't show any respect to God's apostle, Jesus Christ. Duck tape? No, no. I'll shut up and listen.

"We are more than just personalities living on earth, you say? We're sojourners and come from the spirit world where our roots run deeper than our physical ones...ya mean being the seed of David is not big deal? It was for you in your incarnation, but I was a weed seed? Not nice to say, Jesus Christ. Not nice at all. Shut up so you can go have some pork chops for lunch? You too, huh? You buying?

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're the children of God. I preached that myself!! But there's more to it than that? The core of our being is the holy spirit inside us? That life force is a spark of life like a chip off the old great spirit, God? No. I never heard any such thing before. Must be some New Age jargon! Yeah I saw it in the Bible but I didn't preach that God is within. So what you're telling me is that the dumb sheep didn't need me to tell them anything because they have God's spirit inside of them and that's what the Bible meant when it said that the 'kingdom of God is within'? So God speaks to everyone? So explain that one, Jesus Christ! I can hardly wait! That should be a good one. And you think I told whoppers!!! Whatda ya mean we're made in his image and if God is love then we're made by and in the image of love? Talk ENGLISH man! Talk English! I haven't got a clue what you're saying.

"The Bible's all fiction!!! You said it was full of fiction!!! Oh, now you tell me that some of it was true, just like in my autobiography. And both were deliberate attempts to slant the truth!!! Sure, Jesus Christ. Anything you say, Jesus Christ. Now can we go have those pork chops? I'm starved!!!

"So you have to throw it up in my face that the dumb sheep were STARVED to learn about God and all I fed them was bullshit! They were STARVED for truth and all I gave them was a little tin god, an imposter...an arrogant runt of a man? Now you're insulting me!!! I wasn't THAT small!!! My image was bigger than life, but the plain truth was that I was like an inflated balloon? All hot air? And you, Jesus Christ, are the expert, of course! Just rub it in! Just keep pulling down my self esteem? I wrote the book on that too? Aw shit.

"So whatda ya want me to do about it? Put on a furry red suit and pass out packages to the grubby little monsters clamoring for presents? So, you think I look more like Scrooge McDuck playing in his money bins? A similar personality? A similar life's goal? Sound like him too? Quack! Whatda ya mean quack?

"No respect. I don't get no respect! This place is disgusting!! I'd rather be anyplace but here! Oh Jesus Christ!!! Now where the hell am I? I said it? Hell? I created my own? A state of being? Can't see the light? Darkness can't perceive the light? Who turned out the lights? Where in the devil am I? You've been waiting for me? Oh oh.....

"Whatda ya mean, even THAT was bullshit? No lake of fire? Are my toes hot yet? Stop harassing me! Whatda ya mean I could dish it out but can't even take a joke!? There really is no lake of fire? Wouldn't make any sense to have a place to burn things up when nothing of spirit can be destroyed? So you're telling me that the burning hellfire is the anguish of the spirit? That the agonizing truth can be very painful? And sometimes we live in delusion and denial and have to repeat our lessons until we get it? Get what? I don't get it? And who are you? Can't see a damn thing in here!!!

"You again!!!! John Trechak! Thank God its you! For a minute there I thought I was in hell and you were the devil. You're not, are you John? Stop laughing!!!! If I didn't believe my own lies I wouldn't be in the dark? Now you've got me confused, John. There is a dimensional plane where the evil sons of Belial exist in their vileness? No turning back? Only those with no hope go there? You mean I have a chance to turn things around, John? You'd never believe the things I've learned since I've been here! Completely contrary to everything I ever thought was true. Like a revelation? Yeah, John. Some of the stuff people have told me just never occurred to me. I shudda studied more than just ONE book. Who's Belial, John? Read more books, John?

"Oh, of course I remember I told the dumb sheep that secular knowledge was not true because it wasn’t God's truth. Yeah, I guess I did forbid them to seek out information because I told them that God worked only through me. If I hadn't written it, then it wasn't inspired by God because I'm his apostle...There I go again? Where to this time, John? I just don't get it.

"Come on, John, lets go eat. You're sicka pork chops? Want some shrimp? No, you've been hanging around shrimps and all they do is whine? Sure John, we'll have a hearty steak if you wish! Steak and wine! Went right over my head? Because it's so close to the ground? Now you're hitting below the belt, John. You wouldn't go there? Where wouldn't you go, John? John? Now where the hell did he go? Said he couldn't stomach me anymore. Like I want to associate with expo-saint! Saint JohnTrechak, the expo-saint. Kinda has a ring to it. I'll have to remember that the next time I see him.

"You again? Jesus Christ!! Taking a group for another training session? You want me to hurry up and follow you? Follow you, Jesus? Ha! Like the Pied Piper? Just follow you around like a blind fool? I am a blind fool? That's not nice. Not nice at all to call your apostle a blind fool. The plain truth is the plain truth? Sure, Jesus Christ, whatever you say. Please, no more duck tape! Yeah, it’s a deal!! If I couldn't talk I'd explode, especially here in this strange place. I can't think of anything worse than duck tape....Oh? You have plenty of things that are worse, like fasting? I made my followers fast and pray? How many days do I have to fast? Oh shit! I should have settled for duck tape.”

to be continued.....

 Chapter 10 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side"  (c) 1999

"Constipation of the brain, diarrhea of the mouth, he said. What an e-val by the great Jesus Christ himself! Said he never wrote a word himself, but is quoted and misquoted all over the place, and that I did my own running amuck from the mouth and the written word! That I deserve all the bad press because I claimed truth and had none of it! At least he was kidding me about the forty days and forty nights of fasting! Don't think I could have stood it that long! It’s no fun to be hungry and thirsty. I still don't like it here any better than I did before.

"I wonder what all that commotion is over there. Guess I'll have to go ask somebody. Hey Joe Tkach, what's up? Do I hear the wailing and gnashing of teeth? Yeah, so who's bellyaching now? Where's that coming from? Oh, the other side? The hell you say!!! So who's the dumb sheep that's praying now? Mike Tyson? He's repented of all his sins and promises he'll never bite anybody again if only his children won't be like him? So you think we're off the hook again, Joe? Think God will spare us from being born black? You know being a descendant of the seed of David insures a pure race, Joe. Lets us pray that we ...Joe? Mike is thanking God? Was really worried? Off the hook? Pretty good deal he cut, huh? Hey Joe, where'd you go? He's got other plans for us? Wants to see me about "Pagan Holidays or God's Holy Days"? Where'd he get the idea I'd look good in red? No Joe! I'm not riding in a sleigh with flying reindeer! Think I'm nuts? Joe? Joe? Oh dammit, Joe. Get up off the ground! Only Trechak rolls around in the tulips! You were only kidding? Not funny, Joe. Not funny at all. Stop laughing!!!!

"Black, white, red, yellow, brown....all the same? Color isn't important? We're all the same color inside? What color is spirit, Jesus Christ? Since you've horned in on Joe and me thought I'd pick your brain! Not a matter of color? Skin isn't important but our spirit is? More jargon, Jesus Christ! Just a bunch of religious jargon!!!! Universal truths, not religion. What the hell are you talking about? Universal truths? So name one. I wouldn't understand yet? And why not? Don't you know I'm God's apostle and came here to set up his kingdom? Delusional? A nice word for being full of shit? Gotta start over back in the basics before I can go on to meatier things like universal laws? Still suckin' the bottle? Hardly contain milk? Oh that Diarrhea business again!!!! That's what I told the dumb sheep and now I'm one! How dare you, Jesus Christ, compare me to my lowly followers! Whatda ya mean I ain't no 'good shepherd'! And you think you are, Jesus Christ?

"I was given the ten commandments and couldn't even keep them? Yeah, so what? Does anybody keep them? Oh, they do? Learn something every day? So tell me another of these so-called 'truths'!! God? Just one God? Not two? So Christians aren't supposed to put you on the pedestal, Jesus Christ, just God the Creator? Oh, I see. Hum. So tell me more! You already did when you told me about the spark of God dwelling within each human being. OH! Yeah! I didn't know that was THAT important! Everyone has the God-given right to truth? That's one of the universal laws? Oh. And I screwed up their ability to seek truth by turning them outside instead of in? Huh? Say that again!!!

"Oh, you're telling me that everyone has access to the truth inside themself? Since everyone is created from a spark of God, God's truth dwells within them? Interesting concept. Sure wouldn't bring in any tithe money though if they thought they didn't need me to preach to 'em! Doesn't pay to even try to educate me? Dense? Dunce! Try to steal everyone's crown! Yeah! I used to warn 'em. "Don't let anyone steal your crown" and it was so funny to hear them mimic me! All the while I was 'stealing their crown'? Yeah, guess I was, old buddy, old pal, Jesus Christ! Not your buddy? Not your pal? You'd like to crown me? The old fashioned way? Throw the book at me? Not a nice attitude, Jesus. Not a nice attitude at all towards God's apostle!!!

"I shoulda told them about their Chakras? That their crown was their crown chakra? And miss all the fun of watching them squirm? They would have thought they walked around with antennas coming out of their heads if I'd told them that! Would have been more accurate than what I told them? Some good things were revealed in eastern religions and not in Christianity? A whole bunch of chakras throughout the body? Normal body parts? Nothing exotic about them? Functional energy centers? Lots of good books on the subject. Oh yeah, I only read ONE BOOK. Back to the library?

"You'd tell me more of the universal truths if I wasn't such an idiot? How dare you? I'm living proof? Life after death, not soul sleep? Oh I figured THAT out already! I wonder if the rest of the flock is sleeping someplace or running around looking for headquarters like I am.....You mean then that I was wrong about all those resurrections? So now I have to rethink all that I preached? Really are many dimensions of existence, not just one or two? So I wasn't dreaming after all? That's like another dimension? Oh? Just another reality? So the physical life is like a dream? Nightmare sometimes!!!! And THIS IS REALITY???? Oh SHIT! I miss my jet!!!!

"I'm no better than anybody else? We were all created equal? I don't deserve to have a jet paid for by so many poor people. I'll have to learn to travel more modestly? Like walk? Power of thought? What's that? Like when I say somebody's name and they are right here? I was beginning to notice that myself. About time I lifted out of the dense fog? I've heard enough for awhile or I'll explode!!!! Of course I remember the verse about the old wine skins! Can't put new wine into an old wine skin or it will burst!? So what's your point, Jesus Christ? Why are you pulling your hair out? What do you mean frustrated? You think you're frustrated!!! Just look at me standing here, hungry and tired, and you're telling me all this stuff I don't understand and don't give a damn about! Oh, I'd better give a damn if I don't want to cross over to that other side? You mean with what's-his-name, not to mention names of course! I learned that much already since I got here! Tomorrow's another day? You'll try again when you have regained your composure? I'm a hard nut to crack? No respect, Jesus Christ! God's apostle gets no respect....”

to be continued......

 Chapter 11 - The Adventures of HWA "On the Other Side" (c) 1999

"Whatda ya mean its time to go to headquarters? Who says? Who do you think YOU are giving ME orders? Oh, its you, Jesus Christ! You plan on taking me somewhere, huh? Oh, I am to see some of God's real government in action? And just what do you mean by that? Oh, there is a hierarchy of spirits in charge? One of the laws you were telling me about, huh. So I suppose they are ready for me to set up the kingdom now. So let’s get going. Oh, it has nothing to do with setting up the kingdom? There is already a kingdom established? God has had HIS kingdom functioning since long before I even mislead thousands of people down the path of lies? Whatda ya mean mislead? Let God be the judge of that? You saying that I'm no more than an minor tyrant compared to the powerful spirits I'm about to meet. Do I get to take a lawyer with me? Whatda ya mean I don't have a case! Whatda ya mean things here are handled with complete knowledge of all the misdeed that have been done to everyone involved! There IS NO ESCAPE?????

"Enough! I tell you, ENOUGH!!!! I can't TAKE anymore! Stop parading all these children in front of me who claim I stole their childhood, caused their parents to be mean abusive tyrants!!! Stop them! I can't listen to their sniffling any more! I have NO CHOICE? Since I forced them to spend their childhoods listening to me and my ministers drone on and on and deprive them of friendships, loving relationships with their parents and in many cases downright abuse, including sexual and physical abuse, not to even mention emotional and spiritual, I have to endure this and face every single one of them? Every jot and tittle of abuse that was caused on account of my doctrines has to be accounted for, brought to the LIGHT and EXPOSED to the entire world!!!!???? Each and every infraction of God's law of love? What the hell is God's law of love?

"I should know? Unconditional love of God is what the law of cause and effect is about? I should have known that since I preached it over fifty years? An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth? I have to suffer the pain of each and every one of my victims in order for me to balance my karma? And just what do you mean I'll have plenty of time to repent because I have eternal life to do it in? Its either God's way or I can go for a one way ticket to Belial? And from there--there really is no turning back? A generous offer you say? Considering how hideously destructive my doctrines were and the severe damage it did, especially to the children forced to grow up in the Worldwide Church of God under my UNGODLY laws?