Satan's Alternative Magazine

You've got to give the LCG credit for a catchy title. The July/August issue of Tomorrow's World is themed around the title Satan's Alternative Universe. The world, as LCG brethren know, is a scary, upsetting place full of gun control advocates, gays, liberals, people with swarthy skin tones and Bible scoffers. To quote the Richard Ames editorial: "Truly, for those who are not responsive to Jesus Christ, our present world is descending further and further into outright evil, with the widespread conscious rejection of all that was once held as sacred by those who profess Christ." Verily, verily. Bring back the 1940s!

And wouldn't you know it, Rod Meredith has written the feature article on this very problem.

Very few people understand the significance of the massive changes underway in our entire society. Not since the time of Sodom and Gomorrah have people generally been as confused in so many ways. This is especially so right now because of the massive misuse of technology. By gaining almost total control of the media, a very real Satan the Devil is able to “manipulate” the thinking, the attitudes and the actions of billions of human beings - especially the younger generation.

Poor old Rod, the devil is making 'em do it. The wicked liberal media, the "wet behind the ears" younger folk (for Rod that's probably anyone under fifty). The world is going to hell in a handcart. Things just ain't normal anymore.

Ames is back with an article entitled Seven Keys for Peace of Mind. Fancy that, what with seven being a "biblical number" and all. Key One? "Take Part in the Great Commission." Excellent, that's the trick, send in your tithes without delay!

In the London Calling column by one Simon R.D. Roberts you might expect something on the Brexit issue, but the LCG missed the bus on this as much as their UCG brethren. Simon writes about Dolly the sheep instead.

Rod McNair has a major article on Why Does God Heal? Perhaps a more appropriate question would be "why does God not heal?" given the LCG's obvious misrepresentation of this whole issue. Indeed, you could make an argument that, when it comes to divine blessings, the Eternal has massively underfunded his LCG operation. In fact, Rod the Lesser seems to be intent on building a wall of qualifications and - of course - it's the dullard members who are really to blame.

Do you need divine healing? If you do, be sure not to blame God. Instead, look to Him with gratitude for His whole plan, knowing that He can and does bring about His will in your life, as you look to Him with faith and obedience. 

Translation: suck it up.

Douglas Winnail has been skimming Karen Armstrong's writings on the Axial Age and he isn't happy. Thankfully Dougie is here to put a COGish spin on it.

In stark contrast to the spirit of the Axial Age that looked to human reason, the Bible warns us to “lean not on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5). Scholars of comparative religion may speculate that God was revealing universal truths during the Axial Age to thinkers searching for answers within their own minds, but the Scriptures state that the Word of God is the source of truth (Psalm 119:142, 160; John 17:17).

There, so no need to worry about those silly scholars of comparative religion when you have handy, dandy proof texts to offer.

Wally Smith has an anatomical analogy to offer about The Tireless Human Heart. Quote: “Lub-dub... lub-dub... lub-dub...” Deep, Wally, deep.

There's more in the minor features, but that's probably enough to give a feel for this issue.

Available now to download.

Beyond Today... Neanderthal Apologetics

If you were expecting a dedicated Brexit issue of Beyond Today (formerly The Good News) for July/August, you're going to be disappointed. Instead its the tired old sawhorse, evolution. It seems the lads, all keen and bushy-tailed prophecy pundits, were asleep at the wheel, or - just like the Brits - didn't see it coming in time for the mag's release. Who'd have thunked they'd drop the ball on the biggest story of the year thus far?

In fact there's an anti-science whine throughout the issue. Even editor Scott Ashley manages to take a swipe at "the futility of Darwin's theory of evolution" while pouting about the parlous state of public "bathroom" signs. He's talking about toilets of course (why a euphemism like "bathroom" is used so commonly in the US is beyond me).

Mike Kelley kicks off in earnest with Evolution: An Article of Faith. What brilliant qualifications does Mike bring to this topic - other than being an in-house hack? No, I don't know either. Mike is immediately followed by Mario Seiglie who has a track record for writing this kind of guff with Answers from a Famous ex-Atheist about God. The person he's referring to is Anthony Flew who, at a ripe old age, did indeed change his mind. That's notable mainly because it's so unusual.

Then - holy guacamole Batman! - there's an article by a female writer. Scott, are you trying to make a point here? Anyway, Kayleen Schreiber is working on her PhD in neuroscience. Other than that we don't know much about Kayleen. Where is she studying? Is she a UCG member or some kind of generic fundamentalist? Scott clearly thinks you don't need to know. If you're expecting hard science here, think again. Snippet: "God made the physical world so wonderfully complicated that we will be studying it until Jesus Christ returns!"

Just when you thought you might escape from all this creationist drivel, along comes Dan Dowd with An Evolutionary Fantasy: Useless Body Parts.

Now you can relax and let out a short sigh of relief. But not for long as the next article up is Darris McNeely's Is the Bible True? Just what do you mean "true" Darris? As expected Darris takes a broad brush to the question and ends up painting the carpet. "Proof 1", in case you're in any doubt, is "fulfilled prophecy."

Next up it's the World News and Prophecy section. Brexit? What's that? To be fair, there are a couple of dumb references to BoJo the Clown (in an piece about German Leopard tanks):

Britain's next PM?

“The European Union is pursuing a similar goal to Hitler in trying to create a powerful superstate, Boris Johnson says . . . He warns that while bureaucrats in Brussels are using ‘different methods’ from the Nazi dictator, they share the aim of unifying Europe under one ‘authority.’ . . . “The former mayor of London, who is a keen classical scholar, argues that the past 2,000 years of European history have been characterized by repeated attempts to unify Europe under a single government in order to recover the continent’s lost ‘golden age’ under the Romans” (Tim Ross, “Boris Johnson: The EU Wants a Superstate, Just as Hitler Did,” May 15, 2016).

Beyond Today lapped it up. The authors (in the original Telegraph article) also mention that the reference to Hitler is "potentially inflammatory". You think?

Back to the toilet bowl with Tom Robinson sticking his head as far down as he can with an article entitled What's Behind the Transgender Movement? (You'll be as alarmed to know as I am that "bathrooms are just the beginning".) Behind? Movement? Sorry, just my scatological sense of the bizarre.

But wait. Tucked away toward the back of the mag is an article by Milan Bizic (that doesn't sound a very British name does it?) called What Made Britain Great? I looked to see if he mentioned the East India Company or colonial adventurism... but no.

On to a cherry-picked assortment of letters, then John LaBissoniere wrenches out as much significance as he can from the daily chore of washing the dishes.

Egad! Can our eyes be deceiving us? Another article by a female writer. Janet Treadway on Visiting Widows and Widowers in their Affliction. Obviously the drought has broken, even if it's left Scott a gibbering mess in the editorial room.

Robin Webber burbles on about something or other in A Promise is a Promise, and then somebody - perhaps Robin or maybe someone who isn't high-up enough on the totem pole to merit a byline - gets to write a feature entitled How Can You Correctly Understand God's Prophecies and Promises? Quote: "One awesome proof that the Bible is divinely inspired is its perfect harmony and consistency all the way through..." Has this guy actually ever read the Bible?

TV log, back page. Collapse over a coffee and take a moment to feel thankful that this is all a nightmare from the fundamentalist past. Once you've polished off the coffee and peanut brownies, take a drive down the newsstand and pick up copies of National Geographic and New Scientist. You're going to want to flush (ahem) this stuff out of your head as quickly as possible.

Available to download now.

PCG: We're the one

Living Armstrongism has given us an advance peek at the cover of the upcoming (July) Philadelphia Trumpet. No surprise, Gerry, Stephie and the Edmond minions are going to milk Brexit for all it's worth, and then some.

But notice, the emphasis isn't on the searing accuracy of Bible Prophecy. The cover is emphasizing the prophetic gift not of John the Revelator or Dan the Man of lion's den fame, but of... Herb Armstrong. Not that "Bible Prophecy" has a single word to say about Brexit, the EU or any of the other things PCG projects onto the Good Book, but you know what I mean.

So why the Herbolatry? Why not just spread out their favorite proof texts and connect the dots? That's not a Bible quote on the cover, but a carefully selected Herbal snippet. Do they really need to keep genuflecting to the memory of the old one-eyed goat? Well, yes they do, and it says a lot about their growth strategy - or lack thereof.

Who on earth remembers Herb today? Clearly PCG does, along with the most brazen imitators (David Crowl Pack and company), but out there in the wider community Herb is long forgotten. Even UCG is restrained in its references to the so-called apostle.

The reason for the obsequious, idolatrous reverence for Armstrong can be summed up in the word legitimation. Flurry Senior was a very lowly figure in the old WCG. Did Herb even pay much attention to him? PCG has had to spend a lot of time and money demonstrating that Gerry - and only Gerry - has assumed the anointed mantle, despite a total lack of evidence to that effect and given that Herb never passed on to him as much as the steam off the coffee he slurped down on the Day of Atonement. What to do? Prayer rocks, a copycat auditorium, a college emblazoned with the sacred name and reprints of Holy Herbal booklets.

Who are they trying to convince? The big bad outside world that doesn't remember Herb? No. Well, how about ex-members who've been grazing in other pastures - LCG, UCG etc.? While that might seem an obvious conclusion, it seems doubtful. When was the last time you heard of a Meredith devotee jumping the fence into PCG's field? How many UCG members have suddenly seen the light after viewing The Key of David and, shouting loud hosannas as they go, moved into the Edmond orbit?

Not many.

The Trumpet magazine, the Key of David, KPCG... are all designed to shore up the current membership. Anything else is purely for effect. Suggesting they have any kind of outward focus, even to the wider COG community, is largely wishful thinking. They're there to keep the existing tithe slaves content and focused. The message that gets repeated again and again is that PCG is continuing the work of Herbert Armstrong - so stay put.

But there's change coming. Gerry is an old dude and son Stephen is waiting in the wings. Ikkle Stephie has a dilemma; you can really have only one idol on the altar. When Gerry carks it, who will Stephen choose to venerate in prime position, Daddy or Herbie? Gerry is supposedly "that prophet", but his days are numbered. We can expect the usual florid encomiums when he goes the way of all flesh, but the emphasis will then have to move. You can bet that Stephie has already worked that out and has a trajectory in mind. You can also be pretty sure he hasn't confided in the old man.

Meantime, right now the PCG is staying on message. Gerry and Herb, like fish and chips, inseparable. Convenient in that Herb has been dead for decades and can't do what we know he'd have done to Gerry's pretensions if he'd still been alive. In this issue Herb is dragged out of the publishing morgue to testify to his (and by association PCG's) prophetic brilliance. PCG members will lap it up, but the rest of us will probably just sigh a bit and shake our heads.

Brexit: stupid, stupid, stupid

The prophecy pundits are already rattling their tonsils about just how correct their oft-sozzled apostle was (see the cover of the Flurry sect's Trumpet Weekly). The ex-COG commentators are busy responding.

The one comforting thought as Britain shot itself in the foot this week was that stupid prophetic speculation wasn't a factor. A few thousand voters may have been directly influenced by this kind of dispensationalist nonsense, but the size of the winning margin made them totally irrelevant.

While the drama unfolded in the small hours in Europe, those of us half a world away - and lucky enough to have both the time and the technology to do so - could follow events over the course of daylight hours. I monitored BBC coverage (BBC News channel and World Service radio) to start with then moved across to ITV. For light relief I cushioned my disbelief with a panel discussion on Channel 5 once the results were known.

It's increasingly clear that a few old adages are appropriate: (1) be careful what you wish for, and (2) repent at leisure.

Brexit was a project of the far right (think Nigel Farage) appropriated by some of the vilest, self-serving figures in the Conservative Party establishment, think Boris Johnson. David Cameron took on the referendum for purely mercenary political motives and will now go down in history as one of country's worst Prime Ministers.

The reality is that the disadvantaged demographic in England and Wales that fell for the dog-whistle anti-immigration rhetoric - believing the unbelievable promises about prosperity and increased social funding - will now be the first to feel the effects of a downturn that they voted for. Labour was utterly ineffectual - and internally divided - in presenting an alternate, realistic narrative.

And so, what will happen over Gibraltar?

More importantly, what will the effect be of dropping a lighted match on the delicate equilibrium in Northern Ireland?

How will the Scots respond? A version of the Danish enigma (Denmark belongs to the EU but two territories - the Faroe Islands and Greenland - don't) or a fuller independence?

The scary thing is that many British voters simply didn't think through the consequences, and particularly the baby boomers, sucking at the teat of nostalgia and a world that has now passed into history.

I'd be surprised if Johnson is ever elected Prime Minister - though he may be appointed after Cameron - as he has alienated young Brits. As reality hits home to the rest of the community it's unlikely that he'll ever be flavour of the month. He can expect a lot more booing.

Prophecy? No. Stupidity? Yes, in spades.

(Last) Days of Our Lives

Gary has been providing his usual excellent coverage of events in LCG, including the preliminaries to the upcoming Scarborough lawsuit which officially kicks off on July 11. This summary from the pro-COG COG News.

Gerald Weston and his wife plan to move into their new home in Charlotte, North Carolina, on July 15, ready for him to take over the daily administration of the church on Monday the 18th.

Over 200 subpoenas have been issued to LCG members (including ministers) for their depositions by the attorney acting for Patrick and Elizabeth Scarborough, who are suing Rod Meredith and Rod McNair personally, and as officials of the Living Church of God, for Defamation of Character and ‘Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress’.

Lucky Gerry. And interesting timing. Has Gerry been handed a poisoned chalice?

Brexit - on the countdown with Mel

Not being a Pom, I don't get a vote. But I do have an opinion, as does COGservative blogger Melvin Rhodes.

Earlier James McBride of COGM issued his encyclical on the matter. To give James fair credit, he is a Brit and has a right to express an opinion, however misguided.

Melvin begins his June 21 commentary thusly:

The street murder of Jo Cox, a British Member of Parliament (M.P.), a few days ago, is having a big impact on the Brexit vote due on Thursday.

Until the murder, the “Leave” campaign was winning in the polls; now the “Remain” vote is gaining steam.

The killer, a middle aged white man, was motivated by politics, making this an assassination. He shouted out “Put Britain First” as he was killing her.

That's a fair and accurate introduction. But look where he goes next.

His action showed the frustration of many people his age who are concerned that they are losing their country, that England is being taken over by migrants and its independence seriously threatened by the European Union.

Jo Cox was in favor of Britain remaining in the EU; she was also very supportive of Britain taking in more Syrian refugees. At the same time, she seemed oblivious to the grooming of young white girls by older Muslim males in her own backyard, a scandal that has received a great deal of coverage in the press.

This is a classic example of “The Dream and the Nightmare,” the dream being the social engineering of the liberal-leftist Establishment; the nightmare the frightening consequences that ordinary people have to live through as they try to cope. The politicians behind these decisions live in their affluent suburbs away from those consequences and never have to face the reality.

I know Mel will bridle at the suggestion, but this is clearly blaming the victim. This neo-fascist creep had - according to Mel - justification for his loathsome act. Jo Cox was to blame for holding views that both the murderer and Mel share in common. It's then a cheap shot at the "liberal-leftish Establishment", and the inference that Jo Cox was living a sheltered existence far from the realities that are so obvious to insightful geniuses such as Mel.

Reality check: the current "establishment" in Britain is Conservative (both with and without the capital letter) to the core. British PM David Cameron is anything but "liberal leftish".

And Jo Cox was a Labour MP, not traditionally associated with the affluent, entitled classes. Her constituency is quite a diverse one. A sheltered existence you say? She spent time working for Oxfam before entering Parliament, which is no country-walk, and was something of an authority with lots of real-world experience on the Syrian refugee situation. She certainly knew a lot more about it than Mel. All of that Mel dismisses in favour of a few parroted armchair talking points.

Now Mel is naturally entitled to his view, but it's a blatantly one-sided one. He goes on to blather about largely irrelevant historical matters ranging from Charlemagne to the Treaty of Rome, then delivers the coup de grace.

These revivals of the Roman Empire were actually prophesied in the Bible. Students of the Bible are aware that there is to be a final resurrection of the Roman Empire. You can read about it in Revelation 17:12-14. This passage shows that ten kings, or nations, will come together to form this final version of the ancient Roman Empire. It will clearly be the final revival as the Kingdom of God is established shortly after it. Also note, it’s not going to be the 28 countries that form the EU.

In the event of a Brexit on Thursday, perhaps we will start to see the EU unravel, to be replaced by the ten-nation union that the Bible talks about.

No, the EU is not a resurrection of the Roman Empire. Revelation 17 is not about modern Europe. There is no ten-nation union "prophesied" in Europe. Mel would know this if he invested in a decent academic commentary on Revelation, or sat down with a book that explained the genre of ancient apocalyptic literature. Seems he could never be bothered. His views on Brexit haven't been fashioned through sober, objective analysis; too much like hard work and conducive to headaches in the noodle. No, they've been predetermined by his fundamental (it's tempting to add lazy) misunderstanding of the Bible.

Which is not to say that Mel isn't a fine fellow, generous to small children and kind to companion animals. I've been informed by private email that Mel is in fact a good listener and can be a compassionate counselor. That's commendable. Politically though he's a danger to anyone who takes his views at face value or assumes they're based on fact rather than lurid exegetical fantasy. His "weak tea apologetic" for the brutal murder of a remarkable woman is simply vile. His dragging in of eighteenth-century biblical interpretation to pontificate on these events is deplorable.

However people vote tomorrow in Britain, one can only hope (and perhaps pray) that they don't take fanatical prophecy peddlers seriously when reaching their decision.

The Mouse that Roars

(HT to Living Armstrongism)

Here are the PCG Feast sites for 2016 according to an anonymous source. There are fewer sites this year, but look at the "expected attendance" figures.

Edmond, OK 700
Lexington KY 650
Palm Harbor, FL 600
Ogden, UT 300+
Bellingham, WA 225
Huntsville, Ontario, Canada 200
Invermere, BC, Canada 200
St. Lucia, Caribbean 150
Enfield, Ireland 275
Tweed Heads, Australia 350
Clark, Philippines 350
Limpopo, South Africa 125
Medellin-Guatape, Colombia 60
Huanchaco, Peru 25

If you take time to do the maths, the result is interesting - 4210. The disclosure prompted these comments on Living Armstrongism.

In reality the PCG is much smaller. Remember these numbers give the capacity of the sites, not the actual attendance. I have visited some of the places listed and attendance there during the feast was nowhere near these figures.

Also remember site capacity numbers also take into account infants, children and unbaptised youths/adults. Actual baptised PCG members would be much closer to 3,000 globally.

It is also an old church. For example, in two of the church areas I have visited I am the youngest baptised male, and I am over 50!

PCG talks up big and spends up big, but it's tithe-bleeding base is extremely modest. Their "business manager" must be a worried man.

Tracking the True Church

(From the archives and reedited)

This comment appeared on AW a few years back:

[T]he church has existed somewhere in the world continously [sic] since it's founding, and has kept the sabbath and holy days (among the other doctrines) the whole time.

Oh really? Says who?

This was the position of Dugger and Dodd (and later Herman Hoeh), taking a leaf from Ellen G. White's writings. It's a dogma maintained by any number of splinter sects today. For want of a better term, we could call it "remnant" history (as opposed to "restoration" history promoted by Mormons and some others.)

If you buy into the restoration package, you'll be convinced that the "true church" actually died out, swallowed up by Orthodoxy and Catholicism. The Reformation amounted to little more than shuffling deck chairs. Poor old God had no choice but to perform a complete "reboot" using Joseph Smith, or someone else.

More familiar to us is the remnant package, standard issue in Adventist churches. It maintains that the true church went underground, but survived despite persecution, eventually resurfacing in whichever sect you happen to belong to. Keen believers then go back to dredge the history books to see who might have been the genuine article in past ages, resulting in many a fanciful romp. Dugger and Dodd were convinced, for example, that "Saint Patrick" was a Sabbath-keeper!

Following on from this same remnant fiction the United Church of God at one time proclaimed on its website: "We trace our origins to the Church that Jesus founded in the early first century. We follow the same teachings, doctrines and practices established then."

Bollocks! Consider this.

The Churches of God without exception use the 66-book Protestant canon of scripture. Why? The ancient Jerusalem-based church certainly didn't. They used the Septuagint (as do Orthodox Christians even today). This distinguishing mark, if nothing else, should alert us to the fact that our heritage is lot more recent than the inflated age it claims; any resemblance is superficial and misleading. The Churches of God have absolutely no linear relationship to so-called "apostolic christianity", despite Rod Meredith's constant refrain.

We weren't buying a Rolex, just a Mumbai sweat-shop rip-off.

(To be continued)

Happy Birthday Rod

Break out the bubbles and blow up the balloons, today is not only the Summer Solstice (or Winter Solstice here in the Southern Hemisphere - mulled wine anyone?) it's also Roderick C. Meredith's birthday. Born this day in 1930, Rod is now a Methuselah-like 86 years old. Sadly, Rod doesn't approve of birthdays (tough luck if you're a kid growing up under his authoritarian administration) so it's highly doubtful he'll be blowing out any candles or pinning any tails on donkeys (though the LCG ministry certainly has a lot of braying asses available).

A trivia question for this auspicious occasion. What does the formibable 'C' in Rod's name stand for? Charles? Christopher? Crispian? Anyone able to help out? It's unlikely to be the same as Packatollah Dave's: full name David Crowl Pack.

Crowl? Does that rhyme with growl, yowl and foul?

Holy hooky!

The Board of Education in New Jersey has published a list of religious observances for which approval must be granted for school kids. The Flurridian sect (PCG) has been in boots and all to secure exemptions. Other cognate COGlets apparently fall under the generic description 'Church of God'. Here's the list.

October 2016
October 03 (COG) Feast of Trumpets
October 03 (PCG) Feast of Trumpets
October 12 (COG) Day of Atonement
October 12 (PCG) Day of Atonement
October 17-23 (COG) Feast of Tabernacles
October 17-23 (PCG) Feast of Tabernacles
October 24 (COG) Last Great Day
October 24 (PCG) Last Great Day

April 2017
April 10 (PCG only) Passover
April 11-17 (PCG only) Days of Unleavened Bread
April 11 (COG only) First Day of Unleavened Bread
April 17 (COG only) Last Day of Unleavened Bread

What happened to Pentecost (June 4)? It seems any generic (or in COG-speak "professing") Christian is entitled to take their kids out of school on this day, so there's no specific COG or PCG exemption.

It's interesting that the Flurry sect has an exemption for the entire DUB period and the day of Passover (whereas in other groups it's only on the two Holy Days). The impact on children's education would seem pretty dire with the Flurry followers hauling their kids out of classes up to 19 days - including Pentecost - over the next twelve months (allowing for weekends that's still the best part of three weeks off).  The other COGs count up to 13 days.

While their non-COG/PCG peers might be envious of all those days away from school, one suspects that many of these youngsters might feel otherwise given the long sermons they have to sit through instead.

Want to secure a alternate day of with the kids at home? Some further non-COG possibilities.

December 21 (Wicca and Christian) Yule.
January 15 (Baha'i) World Religion Day.
March 13 (Scientology) L. Ron Hubbard's Birthday

And there's more where those came from - more than 100.