August 21, 1999
Dear Living Impaired Apostle, If ever there were any doubt of your calling and authenticity, it would be swept aside by the PROOF that SATAN HIMSELF is attacking you and this work. Just reading the MIND WARPED, CARNAL attacks from those who write from the spiritual darkness of their deceived minds, makes us KNOW AND KNOW THAT WE KNOW, that only YOU are being used to lead this work. If they had the spirit, they would understand, as the Bible tells us. That they do not understand is PROOF POSITIVE that they are in error! They are guilty of having A BAD ATTITUDE! Unless they truly repent and then come into like mindedness with you (which is to say knuckle under and admit error, proving your eminence), then they are doomed to wander about , unhappy,confused and denying that they have a bad attitude (which is proof in itself that they are in a bad attitude). From this logic THERE IS NO ESCAPE. Only your work is reaching out to these diseased minds in this SIN SICK world, if only they could see that their submission is the KEY to TRUTH AND UNDERSTANDING!
With 6 foot deep regards,
The Watcher in the RyeDear Watcher,
Had you sent money, I would consider you TRULY CONVERTED.
Herbert
August 20, 1999
Dearest Herbert:
The big LITTLE man that made me rich, please disfellowship me for the cause of failing to fleecing the stupid sheep of enough $$$$$. I have left your name in the dung pile of controversy as I exposed you to rididcule and shame of contempt as your doctrines of the true church were exposed as bullshit, stolen from others by you, an old senile child molesting money grubbing bastard, a ranting and raving religious fanatic, a hypocritical master of the art "masturbator" that probable is still in need of Viagra!! The time is coming that I will be able to look you in the eye, that is when Bernie, Jr and Greg join me in the battle over the ownership of the lost ignorant hateful zealots, those religious souls that would kill as of the times of the Crusades, in order to please God and gain eternal life. These will be the one's that will followship me to Hades!! You will bow down, you and Loma at the day I accend to the priestly "THRONE" and at that time I will send you to DEEP OUTER DARKNESS where there are no defenseless little girls, nor blue ribbon tithe payers!!!!
With hatred and contempt,
Joseph Tkach Sr.Dear Joe,
I regret to inform you that DISFELLOWSHIPMENT is only for the deceived LIVING who wish to go on with their lives without me. Fellow living impaired church leaders such as yourself must LIVE with what you left behind.
Herbert
August 20, 1999
Dear Mr. Apostle,
I wrote a limerick just for you. How do you like it?
There was an old pervert named Herb
Whose desires he just couldn't curb
So he chased his young daughter
And then, when he caught her
Did vile things, which she did not deserve. - Fat MamaDear Fat,
WHY do you attack God's APOSTLE? Because you HATE God's law and his ways! And your meter is worse than any of the dumb sheep's poetic pabulum published in the World Wide News!!! I feel whole grain foods and proper ELIMINATION are your first step to true repentance.
Herbert
August 17, 1999
What is wrong with you. Just because you decided to follow the ways of the world doesn't make everyone wrong. God did not give you the cancer. And why do you hide under a made up name and just put your real name. Is it because you are afaid of the TRUTH. If you dis-argree with what was done why did it take you some many years to leave. And if you know anything about God and His teachings, you would be very careful about what you are doing and saying on the site.
Dear What's Wrong,
The WHOLE WORLD is deceived except the elect which GOD is dealing with today. The Caretaker's testicular cancer was not God's fault, it was the penalty of the PHYSICAL SIN of eating white sugar and processed foods!!! Plus, he looked at the diagram from the MISSING DIMENSION IN SEX with LUST. He now understands the GREAT COMMISSION to keep the graveyard headquarters stocked with jewels and fine art to do the WORK and has since been been HEALED. The Caretaker's name is not a mystery. Like all UNDERSTANDING, it is here a little and there a little... a mystery wrapped in an enema for those who ARE NOT CALLED. Why not just ask him who he is? The wise are the foolish of the world.
Herbert
August 16, 1999
Dear Sir,
I'm not sure what horror you may have gone through with your parents but your the ax your grinding with HWA is indicative of something more than a spiritual problem. You really should seek some secular counseling. I'm presuming you are near 40 years or older and that is a bit advanced in age to resort to sophomoric attacks on enemies real or imagined. If it was your psychiatrist or therapist that counseled this web site idea as some catharsis approach, please, seek another opinion soon.
Dear I'm Not Sure,
Secular counseling... ARE YOU SERIOUS??? Why not just send him directly to SATAN??? God led Basil Wolverton to work for MAD "sophomoric" Magazine at 40, taking on enemies both real and imagined. I warn you that you are attacking GOD and HIS PLAN FOR MANKIND. Please send in your name to be MARKED and DISFELLOWSHIPPED.
Herbert
August 13, 1999
Subject: hey
Why? Why would u use such a nice man to create such an awful website. I know u think its all fun and games. But ever think..... there is such a thing as computers 6 feet underground? That a mighty long extension cord. DUH! Next time, be alittle SMARTER, people can figure this out. Why use such a nice man and make such a horrible, horrible site. I hate to see you in the resurrection.Julia Laughland
Dear Julia,
Perhaps you would rather see my res-erection.
Herbert
August 5, 1999
Subject: Shameful website
To ????,
Do you have nothing but venom and free time? If you believe that Herbert W. Armstrong was utterly wrong, then find someone that is right, and support them. Whether Mr. Armstrong was all good, all bad, or somewhere in between, GOD speaks strongly against the kind of perversion that is seen on your website.
Repent and move on,
David Meidinger- A Christian
Sorry Dave, I can't do that.
HERBORG 9000
Dear Mr. Armstrong,
I am not dead yet, but since You are the Apostle to the living-impaired, I hope that You can help me become "dead to self". Although I am living, I beg You to enslave my mind. That way, You can count me among the "living dead"-- a zombie serving YOU in the blissful joy of blind obedience.
Scripture makes it clear that my heart is desperately wicked, and that I cannot trust my own mind. I could try to give my mind to a living man like Mr. Flurry, but that would be Laodecian of me, when it is so clear that ONLY
YOU are truly doing the Work, spreading to the living-impaired the True Gospel of mankind's incredible future -- of eternal slavery to You. If You have gone to Hell to preach, then that is where I want to be, serving You.
I know that I am just a spiritual turd, but I beg You not to expel me from Your service. I will never be worthy of a Steuben crystal casket, but when I someday come to join You among the living-impaired, I know that my simple
pine box will be a monument to how, although I am just a dumb sheep, You have shorn me of my puny self-identity and my vanity, and given me the great honor of serving as Your living-dead zombie slave. Thank You, thank You, thankYou, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You!
Warm regards (and warmer soon, if You permit)
J.P.Dear J.P.
The Apostle appoints you KNIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD and assimilates you into the HERBORG.
Herbert
Dear Herbert:
In one of your responses to a submission by a visitor to your web site, you said "And yes, I was blind before my death, the tragic result of seeing Ramona without makeup."
Stop making excuses and be a man! We know why you went blind! You know what happens when you masturbate, don't you?
Best regards,
Marc A. MojicaDear Marc,
You have been MARKED and Disfellowshipped. The Apostle cannot address your SUBMISSION.
The Caretaker
July 25, 1999
you people are absolutely sick! sick! sick!
Tom Diaz
Dear Tom,
Seven sicks would have been the number of completion. God is evidently not working with you now.
Thanks for your SUBMISSION,
Herbert
July 24, 1999
HAPPY BIRTHDAY HERBERT, HAPPY BIRTHDAY HERBERT, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR PERVERT, THANK YOU FOR THE MONEY!! Just thinking of you as we spend your empire on our retirement!! I thought you would appreciate this picture of Ambassador Hall taken last week! Ha Ha just kidding, although some BITTER disfellowshiped brethren might try this! But thats ok, we over-insurer it! May the best in Hades be with you on your birthday, July 31. Love, Joe Tkach Jr and the Merry Men. Ps: How's dad doing?
Dear Jr.
I know you are having a blast at my expense. Your father is afraid to see me, but I am sure we will meet soon. Someday, we will all be together again. I look forward to seeing you.
Thanks for your SUBMISSION,
Herbert
July 21, 1999
What an inane site. It is not even creative or humorous. Too bad I heard about it, but I will be sure not to tell anyone about it.
Dave Reimann
It did impress you enough to write in, which means God is calling you to the truth. The rest is up to you.
Thanks for your SUBMISSION,
Herbert
July 20, 1999
Herbert!! I'm SORRY! I been ac"cuss"ing you for misleading me for the past three decades. But you told me up front that the deceived didn't realize they were deceived. But foolish me, I thought you were talking about "worldly" people, not the WCG membership. I can't hold you responsible for my misunderstanding. I miss your co-worker letters. The only traveling I could do as a WCG member was to take a guilt trip, and your letters were the perfect vehicle. Oh, for the good old days, when it was you and me against the world, only you were going around the world while I was against the wall. Please tell me you forgive my rebellious thoughts and I promise I will get back in the gun lap as along as I don't have stay in it for a nineteen year time cycle. I will stay until you present us with the next impending financial disaster. That will be much sooner, like next month. Excuse me if I seem impertinent, but did it ever occur to you that a monthly crisis might be an indication that something was wrong? Well, it didn't to me either. How could I have ever been so unkind to suggest you were less than honest with us. Not only did you tell us that the deceived didn't know they are deceived, as mentioned in an earlier message, but also you plainly told us many times at the FOT that "You brethern just don't get it." That was absolutely true. We gave it and YOU got it. You honestly followed the "give and get" philosophy and made sure everybody understood who was supposed to give and who did the getting. What a guy!! One quick question: You often mentioned that "strong hand from somewhere." Were you referring to the one on our throats or the one in our pocketbooks? Gerald liked to tell us how aptly you were named, "the happy warrior with a strong arm." Was that strong hand at the end of that strong arm? It must have been to have gripped us so completely. Just as Armstrong tires gripped the road, Armstrong theology gripped the mind. You're such a great guy. Who else could make suffering for "the work" into a rare priviledge experienced only by a chosen few? Excuse me, but just one more question. Some say I was never converted, but just conned. Could that be true?
Sincerely,
Had it up to the Gills
Dear Gills,
Yes.
Thanks for your SUBMISSION,
Herbert
July 15, 1999
Dear Herbert,
Please send me the following "free" booklets:
The Wonderful World Tomorrow - What? Will It Be Liked?
The US and British Consulates in Prophecy
Just What Do You Mean - Fourth Tithe?
ZIP Codes - Mark of the Beast?
Divorce & Remarriage & Divorce - Herbert W. Armstrong Style
Just What Do You Mean - Fifth Tithe?
The Plain Truth About Stuben Bar Codes - Mark of the Beast?
Was Adam a Jew?
The Missing Dimension in Sects
Just What Do You Mean - Sixth through Ninth Tithes?
Morse Code - Mark of the Beast?
Inspector Morse - Real Name Mark?
The Plain Truth About Gold Flatware
Just What Do You Mean - Ted's Out?
The Plain Truth About "Just What Do You Mean?"
Pagan Holidays or MY Holidays - Which? (aka How I Used to Count Fifty)
What Kind of Banquets Are Required for Salvation?
Has Thyme Been Lost?
Has My Timex Been Lost?
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Also, for those of us thinking of starting our own breakaway churches, please send the special "Pastor's Repeat - Synonyms for 'Worldwide'", and the four-volume "How to Write in Italics, All Caps, Underscores and Underscored Italic Caps". As to why I'm not sending a tithe or a freewill offering, send for MY booklet, The Missing Dimension in Checks.
Stay well grounded, Pasture General!Moe Faux
Dear Moe,
Most of these booklets are not currently in print due to the SPIRITUAL TURDS of human waste in the body of the church that are robbing themselves of ETERNAL LIFE by WITHHOLDING tithes, tithes, tithes, tithe-of-the-tithe, the building fund and special offerings. However, expect some of the titles to be available as new coworkers are called and the unproductive waste is expelled from the body of the GYCG with GREAT FORCE!!!
Thank you for your SUBMISSION,
Herbert
July 12, 1999
Not that it will make any differance to you concerning your attitude toward God's apostle Mr. Armstrong, your website's un-Biblical and non-Christlike hatred and contempt towards a man that has been dead for 13 and a half years is really sad. Even someone who has never even heard of the World Wide Church of God, it's founder and the doctrines God allowed for him to understand, would see right through your bitterness and rage and look upon you as embittered individuals who have devoted a whole website and much time to trashing him! Obviously, Satan is still mad at this man of God who did so much "damage" to his total deception of the world. And without you even realizing it, you are being used by Satan to throw more hatred into a world that is filled with it. You'll call me self-righteous when I say this, but I do not hate or despise you. I will not waste my time doing so. I'll let God deal with you in a way He see's fit. Thank you for your time (I think).
Wade Brown
Dear Wade,
The Caretaker is distraught over the thought of being labeled BITTER. If you cause him to fall away, WOE UNTO YOU!!!
Thanks for your SUBMISSION,
Herbert
July 10, 1999
I feel your pain, I too once attended Fort Worth East and I too had to do set up. In addition to the rulers and buckets of cement with string I was taught that the chairs must be EXACTLY 4 inches apart. I had been born into the church and beginning when I was 8 I had to arrive 2 hours early with my Father so that I could assist with set up. I remember when I was ten my name appeared with my fathers as a member of set up crew back when it was for men only. I once made the complaint to my Dad that we had been doing set up for 5 consecutive years. Like you said child abuse was deemed holy. Like I said I made that mistake once. There are a few good things that came out of that dungeon for me at least. I only had one friend for most of my childhood (I was discouraged from having friends outside of church. We won't go into dating.) and I met him at church. His Dad was a deacon so he was there 2 hours early also and had to set up the middle section with the plastic chairs while I was regulated to the West side. (We weren't allowed to work together.) For some reason other members of the church who did the setup or take down began to look to us as their personal lackeys. Quickly we were drafted into take down service while the rest of the YOU went out for pizza or some such thing. Not that we minded not being with them, they truly did not like us and the feeling was mutual. After taking down for a couple of weeks and complaining bitterly about not getting to watch TV and wasting a Saturday we learned that if we stand on the side of the building, outside in the 100+ degree heat in suits we wouldn't have to take down, so we did that for a few years. My one claim to fame for the church though was one time when we were hearing some important person beg for money and all the metroplex churches met in an auditorium with the balcony. I once made out with/felt up some chick in the back row or the balcony (she was from Dallas and didn't know that I was unpopular) while sitting only 2 rows behind my youth administrator. I also had the advantage of going to SEP twice which is a whole different story for another day.
Brian
Dear Brian,
You need to re-read the Missing Dimension In Sex.
Thanks for your SUBMISSION,
Herb
